


Not today, not tomorrow

by xagentofchaos



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Dubious Consent, F/M, M/M, Negan's POV, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rick's POV, Sexual Content, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2017-01-30
Packaged: 2018-09-09 01:01:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 22,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8869669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xagentofchaos/pseuds/xagentofchaos
Summary: Rick and Negan are soulmates but soulmates doesn't equal marriage, kids and an American apple-pie life. Rick hates Negan but he needs to save Alexandria and maybe he can use this opportunity to make their lives good, again. Or maybe things will turn its own way.THIS FIC WILL NOT BE UPDATED, I'm sorry.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to update this as much as possible but school is taking up a lot of my time (plus it's a writing school so I usually don't feel so alert on writing when getting home). Luckily, I have a 3 weeks holiday starting next week!

Rick never got drunk. Not since that one time in the CDC when all lost hope had shimmered into something new, and they felt calm and happy. He never allowed himself to be drunk after that because that one spark of hope from that night had been replaced with a better judgement. The world is fucked but it’s his responsibility as a leader to remain sober in case something happens. Maybe he wasn’t ever a good leader anyway. 

His taste for alcohol had changed and he didn’t like the taste as much as he remembers doing. But he still swallows it down like it’s his last remaining wish in this wrenched place; the bathroom back at Alexandria. He feels broken, lost in the dim light, half naked in front of the mirror. The tremors in his body are slowly becoming less violent as more liquor runs down his throat. He’s scared for everyone’s safety, scared for his own sanity. 

Putting the whiskey bottle aside on the sink, he leans forward as he holds tightly on to the porcelain. Looking at himself through watery eyes, he sees a coward. Someone who was supposed to protect his group but failed by the hand of a monster. Flashbacks from the night before circulate in his mind, threaten to combust into bigger pictures once again and send him to the floor. He’s been weeping, screaming and crying enough. The clinker underneath him is alarmingly cold against his naked feet and he doesn’t want to be lost on it.

He runs two fingers on the skin of his underarm again, over the sentenced birthmark of what’s supposed to be the first thing his soulmate says to him. But it’s wrong. If he was a machine then this mistake would be registered as a manufacturing issue and he would be sent in for reparation. He’s not a robot, but this is wrong nevertheless. 

The sentences are burning on his arm and he feels more hopeless than ever. How could he possibly be a leader to a group, a friend for those who grieve a _father_ to his children when the sentences on his arm say ‘ _Hi. You’re Rick, right?_. It didn’t occur to him until they got back and after they buried Abraham and Glenn. It didn’t register in his head until after he had kissed Judith goodnight and hugged Carl. He had been standing on this exact spot in the bathroom while getting undressed, when he spotted a sight of his arm in the mirror. The same arm he’s been studying ever since the birthmark started showing when he was a teen. 

When he was younger, before the end, he had been actively going out more to find his soulmate. Hours had been spent at local bars where he hoped for someone to walk up to him and say: “Hi. You’re Rick, right?”. But no one did. After years of hunting and desperately hooking up with strangers to ease the frustration, he stopped bothering. Some people just never find their soulmates, for some it’s impossible. He gave up on finding someone that might as well be on the other side of the earth. Fanatics search for decades, he didn’t have the strength. So he settled with Lori and he regrets nothing. She might not have been his soulmate but she was the love of his life. 

He looks back at his own reflection and something erodes in his body. He’d lost his practical senses somewhere deep in his alcohol tainted soul, where flames held them down and scorched it. A sudden burst of anger shoots through his fist and the mirror breaks from the force. His drunken mind numbs the pain but it doesn’t stop the blood from flowing. Soon, the sink is full of his dark red and he picks out the bandages and surgical tape from the cabinet above the broken mirror. 

Stumbling out of the bathroom and into his room, Rick crashes onto the bed. Still in his jeans he slumbers but isn’t sleeping yet. It’s burning deep in his core; hatred mixed with confusion. He can’t let this man torture his group, his family. He needs to find a way to stop this. 

_**_

When he wakes up he’s hit with a throbbing headache. These few years without alcohol and suddenly filling his empty stomach with whiskey didn’t do his body any good. He hauls himself up into a sitting position, statutes himself with his hand and forgetting what he did to the mirror. The sharp pain twists his face into a grimace and he quickly rearranges. The blood had poured through his bandage and the sheets underneath him were stained on a few places. He ignores it for now and puts on a clean shirt while makes his way out, remembering his duties as a leader. 

Carl is awoke and about in the living room where he and Judith is sitting on the sofa, waiting for him. Judith is squealing happily when she sees him, like she always does and isn’t put off by his puffed eyes. In contrary of Carl who gives him a nasty glare. The young boy hadn’t found his way around this new life and won’t accept that they have to provide for dangerous strangers or lose more people. Rick knows that his son wants to fight back; he can see the bubbling anger foaming in him. 

Other groups and other people have been firing the killer instinct inside Rick too, but this is different. Negan is a powerful man who’s earned too much fear and respect from other dangerous people. He’s a ticking time bomb. Rick can’t allow a fight; he refuses to lose more from this family. He’s heard of people killing off their soulmates and what happened to their mental state. He feels what kind of phantom pain the thought brings in him and can only imagine the real deal. Killing Negan would just throw him off the stake and make him useless. He needs to be in shape, he needs to provide. But providing and resembling a life doesn’t mean that he won’t do what he can to get them off the hook. 

“You fed her?” Rick asks his son with a thick, grainy voice. Carl only nods and wavers his eyes away from Rick, still looking annoyed. Rick feels ashamed of himself for getting drunk last night. He let the emotions overcome him and became a disappointed to his son and daughter. “I’m sorry. It was only one night of instability, I won’t repeat it.” Carl just shrugs his shoulders, raises to his feet and leaves the house. Rick understands it’s a lot to take in so he lets his son go; only hoping that he will come to terms later. 

He brings Judith on his lap when he sits down on the couch. Running his fingers through her soft hair, he hums a melody to her, thinking about strategies. Negan announced that they would come in a week to collect half their stuff, so he should go through their supplies and pick them out. He decides to bring Judith with him, together they walk to Olivia. She’s already waiting for him at the gate, giving him secret looks when she thinks he can’t see. Probably to reassure he isn’t going to break down because of what happened. They pick out half of the supplies together while Judith is playing with some animals made out of pinecones in the corner. He lets Olivia babysit her while he runs errands around Alexandria. 

He needs to come up with a plan to assure safety for his people. One that doesn’t end in blood which war will. He’s leaning between the options to bring up the soulmate thing or don’t, thinking of what would bring more stability to them. As far as he’s concerned, he doesn’t care about the old lore about potential about the strength of soulmates together. What kind of strength would he and Negan give to both each other and the world? The strength of hate? He’s got enough of that boiling inside of him already, no need to add more. He decides to work around the soulmate path and not bring it up if it’s not absolutely necessary. He will save Alexandria, in the safest way possible. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I have a nasty cold right now and I'm pretty much half dead in my bed. 
> 
> Side note: Rick hasn't quite falling into complete submission yet in this story. 
> 
> Anyway, happy sappy nappy reading!

A few days later, Rick woke up to an uneasy feeling in his stomach. The wounds on his knuckles had started to heel and were overlaid with dark scabs surrounded by bruises. It didn’t hurt as much anymore; he never needed painkillers and could always push through. It was his doing and he had to deal with it. Carl still hadn’t come to him about Rick’s drunken night but Rick didn’t expect him to either. The boy had just entered his early teen years and wasn’t interested in hearing about Rick’s failures of being a dad. He was disappointed; Rick could tell by the way he never really met Rick’s eyes longer than a second since that night. He hadn’t exactly tried to talk to Carl about it, so he just let it slide for a later occasion. 

He got dressed and walked out the door, immediately catching the sense of wrongness in the air. It was lying thick around him and he already felt like he knew what was going on. It was like he had gained a psychic power; intuition, because that wrongness that vibrated alongside him as he walked toward the gate only grew stronger and stronger. Flickers of irritation swirled inside Rick and his jaw was hurting from biting his teeth down so hard. 

Outside the gate stood more than thirty men looking grump behind a more cheerful Negan. Unconsciously, Rick pulled his sleeves down around his whole arms. Indirectly to hide it but mainly because it felt like his whole underarm was burning; hiding it away toned it down. He walked up to the gate and ordered Spencer to open it so that Negan and his men could go in. 

“You said a week, you’re early”, Rick muttered at him and received a big smile from the other man. His chest tightened. 

“I missed ya”, Negan announced and continued to smile. Not a heartwarming smile, his eyes still wore a threatening transparent sheen over the cornea. It sent a shiver through Rick’s core and he had to look away for a moment to gain his strength while Negan was babbling about something consisting of services. That Rick and his group should feel a sense of _gratitude_ to serve for him. Rick looked up and studied the other man, his supposed soulmate, and came to the conclusion his been heading towards before. This man is a psychopath. 

“We split the stuff in half so that you could take ‘em-“ Rick started when Negan had finished demonstrating his services but got interrupted by the man.

“No, no, Rick. _You_ don’t get to decide what _I_ take, okay? That’s not what this is about. You don’t get to choose, where is the fun in making this too easy for me? This is supposed not to be playtime for both of us since you fucked me over from the start and you’re probably capable of doing it again, so why are you going easy on me? That doesn’t seem like the Rick who killed a bunch of my men, what happened to that guy? I’d love to meet him.” He paused to give Rick a hard glance as Rick’s insides started boiling. “Well, are you going to give me a tour or what?”

 

**

“Well would you look at this _shit_.” Rick’s gaze perked up at Negan who was beaming at him with a dangerous gleam. He swallowed when he noticed the camera in Negan’s hand and his own voice coming through it. That moment in the camera felt like ages ago but he still had the same boiling fever inside him, ready to combust. He had been doing everything he could to play his cards right and grant safety for his group. Some choices led to more gruesome options but for a while it was just right. Until now with the saviors and their sadistic leader ruining everything he built. He _couldn’t_ have that. “Here’s that guy who murdered my men, huh? Lovely guy.” He turned the lens Rick’s way and came close, continuing with his taunting methods to bring Rick down. “You know, Rick, this is a _fine_ place you got going.” He strolled around Rick in a circle with Lucille on his shoulder, laughing tauntingly every now and then. Rick kept his mouth shut in front of him and looked down on his feet. He needed to come up with a plan to get rid of Negan. As soon as he’s been scavenging their stuff, he’d had to leave. “Would be a _damn shame_ if something happened to it.”

“I’m doing everything you’re telling me to”, Rick snapped without thinking it through. “I’ve got nothing on you.”

“Didn’t your momma teach you discipline?” Negan stopped and pressed Lucille’s tip against Rick’s chest, moving in closer; still with the camera in his other hand. “Here I am, being a polite ass guy for your guys. Hell, the bunch of you would’ve been dead a long fucking time ago if it weren’t for my politeness.” 

“You wanted a tour, I’m _giving_ you a tour. You wanted half our stuff, you’re _taking_ half our stuff.” Rick pushed himself into the bat and met Negan’s eyes with fire, digging deep into those light blue. He was met with a bark of laughter and Negan’s face twisting into a laughing scrunch, as if it was the funniest thing he’d heard in a long time. The uneasy feeling grew stronger in Rick’s stomach, knowing deep inside that he probably fucked up.

“You’ve got some nerves up in that smartass mouth of yours, Ricky-boy. Already forgot what happened the last time your balls grew an inch around me?” Negan leaned in and was very close to Rick’s face. He could see every little straw of stubble but he focused on being dead-on to tear Negan down but already knowing that it’s going to be him in the end. The short fragments of Abraham’s and Glenn’s death immediately pushed through his cracked barriers. A short but strong gasp forced its way into Rick’s lungs and he frowned into the memories, but still determined to not break eye contact. Negan gave him a toothy grin when noticing Rick’s struggle.” _Jesus_ ”, Negan murmured. “You just don’t know when to quit, do you?” 

The fragments keep on rolling on repeat inside Rick’s mind as Negan talked and he has to bite the inside of his cheek to not scream out loud of his stupidity. It’s the hellfire in him that keeps spitting dangerous fuels to the situation. Impulsive wordings while being pushed into a corner by a wild beast will be the death of him. Or someone else, knowing Negan’s methods by now. 

“That was one _dangerous_ man on tape, right there.” Negan waved the overplayed camera in Rick’s face. “I would _not_ have messed with that guy, he scares the _crap outta me!_ But you, you’re faking a whole lot to get through, aren’t you? Being all dead on the inside, acting tough and fierce on the outside. I don’t buy this heroic deal for _shit_.” He drops Lucille on the ground to dig his free hand into Rick’s shoulder. “I can see _right through_ this bullshitting of yours. It’s like your mind is an open book and I’m just diving into it, seeing _everything_ you’re trying to hide.” 

The fingers hurt into Rick’s skin and kept him in reality. People had started to surround them, both curious saviors who had stopped with their duties to stare, and Rick’s people. In the corner of his eye, he could see both Carl and Judith together with Olivia. The uneasy feeling turns into something else and it’s creeping into him, something more profound and powerful. The logical senses in his brain realizes it’s the bond and it’s rummaging in head, hitting the inside his skull and pulls at his nerves. The emotional senses want it gone because it’s disturbing his abilities to act in his usual way. The urge to keep his people safe are stronger than ever but this other feeling is starting to overtake him, putting him dangerously close to the knife’s edge. His toes are dangling free; the balance being the only thing keeping him upright so far. 

“Arat!” Negan shouts, still with his face close to Rick’s. Arat walks up to her boss with her hands tightly holding onto her weapon, expression set cold. Rick heart is beating too fast in his chest. “Seems like Rick _still_ hasn’t learned the consequences of being an ass.” 

Rick has to make a choice, and that he has to make quickly. Negan’s fingers will leave dark bruises on his shoulder but the bruises in his mind from the confused bond hitting him will be darker. 

“Kill someone, of your choice-“

“No, wait!” Rick’s voice comes out hurriedly and is tighter than he expected. He makes the decision quick, while he’s got the break he needed to change the situation. He quickly closes his eyes and lets the new logic side of him take control.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah! The chapter was just flowing so nicely that it was finished this quickly. 
> 
> It's christmas very soon so I will not be able to upload anything for a while, but consider this an early gift! 
> 
> Hope you like it x

_A few days earlier_

 

As he puts the car key in his pocket and strolls back into his room after ordering a few of the men around, he makes a notice that he’s never been this hard in his entire life. Humming lowly while placing Lucille on the couch, he grabs himself by the pants where his rock-hard dick is and rubs slowly. _Nope_ , he thought after a moment and left the room, _I need some good pussy for this_. His wives are waiting for him in their room as usual, every single one of them avoiding his eyes like he’s a beast. The thought only makes his dick twitch in more excitement and he grins. 

“Who wants a taste?” he saunters and steps inside the estrogen filled room, strutting around to pick one out to please him. “Daniella, you look _lovely_ today.” He walks up to the fuller girl in the bunch and strokes her soft cheek with the side of his fingers. She smiles at him from where she sits but her eyes are dead, he chuckles and pulls her up. “You want to please your husband tonight, won’t you baby girl?” 

“Of course”, she answers with a sour sweetness that she must’ve picked up from Sherry. It’s as if these girls are reading a printed monologue from a paper. He ignores the way their voices always tries to hide their unwillingness, and takes every chance he can to screw them anyway. It doesn’t bother him that their consent comes out in monotone forms; tear-dry cheeks hidden beneath old makeup and fake smiles plastered to their pretty lips. A yes is a yes in his ears, if they wanted to fight back they would’ve. It’s one against plenty in this room. In the end, they’re all looking at him in the same way. 

As he walks out with Danielle, he turns back to meet Sherry’s gaze and he grins with all teeth at her, reminding her who’s boss. He knows she will break down in tears later and then repeatedly do whatever it takes to keep her ex-husband alive. He can admire that, the strength of someone’s will to be alive, whether it means your loved one will be tortured for that sake or not. He knows the ones who respect him out of sheer respect and those who respect him out of fear in his group. Dwight is one of those people who think he has everything under control but Negan can see every little drop of betrayal sweat coming out of his scrawny body. His true punishment will come when those drops will turn into a genuine killer mind, but that hasn’t happened yet because Dwight is a weak man. 

He opens the door to his bedroom for Daniella to step in before him and she automatically sits on his bed and starts to undress. He doesn’t mind it being quick tonight, his dick is chafing against the clothing material and he needs to put it inside her as soon as possible anyway. She’s lying naked on her back, still with her stilettos on; just the way he likes it. With two fingers inside, she’s fingering herself open and ready for him; not wasting any time. He gets between her legs when he’s undressed and she’s swollen and wet underneath him. Her legs clasp around his middle and he lets her guide his dick to her hole, pushing himself inside with a satisfied groan. She stifles a moan and closes her eyes but he isn’t bothered by it. He just wants to fuck, not make sweet eye contact and whisper romantic words to make the girl’s heart swoon. That’s not what she’s here for. 

He puts her legs on his shoulders and fucks into her from his knees. She’s warm and wet around his dick. Holding onto her hips he fastens the speed into her roughly, already breaking a sweat on his back. He’s making low noises along with her high pitched moans but couldn’t care less because he just so fucking horny; thinking back at how the day proceeded. It was a success, a victory for all of them. Managing a group that thought they could have it all and go through wildfires without a single burn. That thought alone could already bring him to the edge; the way they all broke in thousands of shattered pieces. While standing there and meeting them eye to an eye for the first time, he was feeling doubt and a slight pinch of disappointment. Especially for their supposed fierce leader, Rick Grimes, who brought nothing but a mixture of self-proclaimed toughness, tears and snot. But there was still something very intriguing about the man, something that he couldn’t really put his finger on.

So he continues to put his dick in Daniella instead, growling as he gets closer to the edge. He lowers himself closer to her front, but not too close so that her bouncing tits would be pressed against his chest, with his arms on each side of her head. He wipes some sweat away from his forehead with his right arm and immediately spots something written on it. It never occurred to him until now, even if those heated sentences had been on his mind many times before. As he comes into Daniella, he can’t help but laugh and earns a questioning glare from her, who opened her eyes to watch him secretively. He doesn’t bother to explain what’s so funny and instead slips his dick out of her creampied pussy and gets up from the bed. She stands up cautiously behind him and gets dressed; he doesn’t say anything to her as she walks out. _This is fucking hilarious_ , he thinks and sits down on the couch next to Lucille, still naked with a big, wicked grin on his face. 

 

**

 

Arat lowers her gun right in time as Rick shouts out in front of him. Negan’s eyebrows shot up and he studies Rick’s face that has a mix of emotions switching on it. Some frustration, some anger, but also some fear and regret. Negan waits for Rick to speak up; he actually waits for the man to convince him to stop. It really is something about him that peaks Negan’s interest. Of course, a big part of that interest’s got to do with the sentences written on his arm. This whole soulmate thing is quite the big deal for a lot of people, to Negan it’s never really meant anything. Until now when he’s standing right in front of his soulmate and holding a tight grip on his shoulder, bossing him around like he’s a dog. He wonders if Rick knows, or if Rick is still in the dark. 

Rick closes his eyes before him and breathes in and out deeply. Negan’s men start to get impatient with the non-committing actions. But Negan can be patient if something is intriguing him and Rick most certainly is. His watches Rick’s face, zooming in on his eyelashes and greyed stubble. He wants to know just how much he’s allowed to break his soulmate before it takes effect on him as well. Other parts of Rick that peaks his interest is his unwillingness to completely give in. _Even if_ Negan killed two of his men in a brutal way, and _even if_ he threatened to make Rick chop off his son’s arm. _Even if_ he drove Rick into a snotty mess, he’s still dangling his feet over the pit while sitting on the edge. Determination at its finest. That’s what’s interesting to Negan; people’s commitment to stay alive but still not give in completely. Even if full submission is what he prefers, with Rick he feels like he can give the man a few loopholes. 

He expected a fight. He expected to get a fist swung at him and loose a tooth. He expected to start grinning with blood flowing from his mouth and have his men beat Rick up. “You better give me a _damn good reason_ of _why_ Arat had to stop on your behalf”, he tells Rick who’s still seems to gather strength for something; reasoning with himself. Negan can almost taste the fumes coming out of Rick’s breaths. “Well?” He continues and gets a little frustrated with Rick’s silence, even if the man had started to shake underneath his gripping fingers. “You get _three seconds_.” He holds three fingers up even if Rick’s eyes are still closed. His men are getting closer to them, ready to attack in case things go south. “ _Three_ ”, his voice his darker for emphasis and he puts one finger down. Rick is biting his lips. “ _Two-_ ” 

He barely had time to finish when Rick’s lips crash onto his. It’s not full of tender and lush, it’s aggressive. Negan figures that Rick knew about their soulmate connection too. The kiss doesn’t feel as special as he had imagined a soulmate kiss would’ve, apart from that it’s the roughest and anxiety filled kiss he’s ever experienced. He can feel underneath all the frustrated desperation that Rick’s got some seriously good techniques, but is wasting it on trying to put Negan out of his control. He can’t tell if Rick is trying to slip his tongue into his mouth or biting his lips off. Whatever it is, Negan’s had enough of the theatrics. Pushing Rick away from him, he grins at the other man who’s got a nice blush spread across his cheeks. Rick’s lips are plumb and Negan suspect he looks the same, but on a different hand; Rick also looks like he wants to bury himself alive. From the atmosphere around them, Rick’s group probably wants the same.

“Well”, Negan announces loud and clear; bringing life to the shocked silence. “ _That_ was awesome, I didn’t expect that for _shit_.” He continues grinning as Rick’s eyes falters between his eyes, lips, and his ears to gain control and back to his eyes. Rick’s people are moving around them and he feels inclined to put Rick out of his misery but at the same time does he love every second of this embarrassing moment. “What a great point you made to not kill off one of your people, Ricky. It really brought warmth to my soul, _mate_.” Rick’s eyes widened at Negan’s choice of words and he nods at the man in a ‘yes, I know’. Rick swallows. Negan snorts at the frightened look. “But, I’m not convinced that you understand what this whole deal is about, even if I’ve already demonstrated it _twice_. Your fuckups won’t go unnoticed. Let’s try this again. Arat!” But Rick won’t give up. 

“Take me with you”, Rick gasps without hesitation and mimics Negan and grabs his shoulders with both his hands. His fear will leave claw marks all over him. “I’ll provide for you there, anything you want. Please, don’t hurt my family. I’ll do anything, for you.” Somewhere along the sentence he lost his voice to a hushed sob. The former disappointment Negan felt the first time he met Rick was back and he rolls his eyes excessively. This mess before him is really giving him a hard time believe that they’re actually supposed to be soulmates. 

“There’s nothing you can provide for me back there, all you’ve got to offer is right here in this pretty little town”, Negan murmurs back at the sobbing mess. All regrets are building up in Rick and his spilling all out before Negan. “And you’ve _got_ to admit, that your little show have certainly put out some interesting odds to your role as a leader. I can’t wait to see how it plays out for you.” He forces Rick’s hands off of him and takes a few steps back, still watching Rick’s puffed eyes and shaking lips. “Sweetie, don’t look so glum. This is what you begged for, to provide. It’s easier for both of us like this.” He picks up Lucille from the ground at places her on his shoulder where the sensation of Rick’s tight fingers is still hurting his shoulders. “Until next time”, he promises Rick and the rest. “Ta-ta.” He waves at his men to drop what they’re holding and together they’re walking back to their cars. On the way there is Negan touching his tingling lips with his fingers.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay, I've been busy with Christmas and the aftershakes plus being sick as hell for two weeks. But now I'm back at it again with another chap ayy. Hope you like it! x

After Negan and his men left with only a little of their stuff, Rick realized that he majorly fucked up. He can feel everyone’s stares at him trying to murder him where he stood. His mind his occupied by buzz and his body is numb, a white noise is filling up his hearing. His logical side is proven to be stupid, he figures. _Why did I kiss him, of all things I could’ve done, why that_ , he thinks through the buzzing and he has to squat down to the ground. Putting his face in his hands, he grips onto his hair and forces back a sob. He’s already subdued into his weak side. ‘ _I kissed Negan_ ’ is going on repeat and each time he’s sinks closer to the ground. 

It’s always been girls in Rick’s life; he’s never even considered men. It was girls he picked up a sleazy bars, it was girls he fucked to wear down the frustration. Never men. It’s never occurred to him as an option because he’s never felt even a slight attraction to a man in his life. He notices good looking guys, but that has nothing to do with sexuality; he’s just not blind. But he’s never been attracted to one, ever. The fate written on his arm must’ve thought differently. And it had to be the killer on his friends, of all people. 

He can still feel the raspy stubble from Negan’s face scraped against his lips when another hand grips onto his shoulder and pulls him up. He isn’t fighting against it, only letting it happen. He dares only to glance for a second until he has to look away. Michonne is talking to him; he can hear her voice but not her words. She pulls his shirt a little as a notion for him to move without her being forced to drag him along. They walk through the masses of people who bore their eyes into his back as they’re following. It’s not until doors closes behind the people that he knows where he’s been lead to. The hollow echoing is giving it away and he’s standing in front of his people in the church. 

Carl is sitting on the front road next to Olivia who has Judith on her lap. Among all disgusted and angry faces, Carl is the one whose facial expression takes the breath out of Rick the most and he’s having a hard time getting it back. Michonne is standing right beside him and her hand is rubbing his back like he’s a child in distress. He knows she means well and is probably just trying to calm him down but he feels exposed. Like he’s the one who deserves a helping hand. 

“Explain your reasons”, Michonne tells him, she doesn’t sound angry as anyone else would. On the opposite, she’s sounding calm and collected. “You must’ve had reasons.” He dares to look at the crowd before him through watery eyes and he makes a decision. Nodding carefully, he rolls up his sleeve. His reasons aren’t substantial and they probably won’t hold. No one but the ones who’s found their soulmates would probably understand why. But it’s still not good enough.

He exposes his arm to the crowd but no one is making an attempt to say anything; probably because they can’t read what it says. 

“He’s my… my soulmate”, he says, speaking silently but loud enough for the ones in the back to hear too. A low chatter sweeps through the hall, he can tell that their anger is bubbling up more. “I d-didn’t mean to- It wasn’t my option to-“ He damns himself on the inside for not being able to talk without breaking. How is he supposed to explain that it was a whole new side of him that he’s never sensed before, that did all of that? They wouldn’t believe him, even if they tried because it’s crazy talk. “I’m sorry, I tried to make it better but I failed you, I’m sorry.” He feels his eyes burning again but he’s sick of crying, sick of weeping, sick of feeling like a weak failure in front of his people. What kind of leader is he? 

The chatter has stopped but their eyes remains looking at him untrustingly. He doesn’t judge them, but he can’t explain to them _why_ because he doesn’t even know. Other parts of him do but he can’t allow them to make it up to the surface. They would ruin things even more. 

He glances at Carl who looks at him in a way that Rick can’t place in any memory he has. It looks like a mixture between lots of emotions but there are also some things that he’s never seen in any person ever. It’s too much for him, to have his son look at him in that way. So he excuses himself while shaking off Michonne’s hand on his shoulder and stumbles out of the church. He needs to breathe but he can’t; the air is stuck underneath something big and heavy in his throat. No matter how many times he coughs, he can’t get it out. A dizzy feeling sweeps into his brain and small white dots are flickering in front of his eyes. He’s sure that he’s about to die until a smooth voice is distracting him. 

“Rick, come with me. We need to talk.” It’s Father Gabriel who’s reached out to him during his meltdown. Rick is yet again lead to someplace by one of his people. They end up by the graves of the people they’ve buried and Rick wonders if this is the place where he’s about to be buried alive. “Don’t beat yourself up over this”, Gabriel tells him while studying Rick’s trembling body. He looks calm and steady before Rick and he wears his genuine smile. "You can’t help that Negan is yours.”

Rick finds himself grimacing at that through his distress. 

“He might be my soulmate, but he’s not _mine_ ”, Rick warns him and Gabriel holds up his hands in an act of compliance. 

“Yes, of course”, he excuses himself and earns a big breath in and out from Rick. “You’re right.” He stops for a moment and seems to collect his thoughts. While he does, Rick calms himself down and stops trembling as bad. His eyes are still watery and he’s starting to get a headache, but at least he can straighten himself up more. 

“When you meet your soulmate for the first time, you start to _feel_ things you’ve never been able to feel before”, Gabriel starts. He walks over to some of the graves to look down on the coppery dirt, before looking up at Rick again. 

“Like what?”

“Some people call it intuition. Others call is a psychic power or sixth sense. Some say it’s bullshit.” His smile grows stronger for a micro second before going back to the same, small secretively smile. “Those people are usually the ones who haven’t met theirs yet.” Without thinking about it, Rick can tell, is Gabriel stroking his hand over his own arm writings. “Your soulmate is your strength, Rick. If you get trapped somewhere and there is a tiny chance to get out, that adrenaline kick that will save you is tripled if you’ve met your soulmate. But they’re also your greatest weakness. If you get severely hurt, your soulmate does too. You can’t heal each other through soulmate bonding; you can only feel each other’s pain. And that pain is unbearable, and if you die from it then chances are that your soulmate will too. Actually, most do. And if you hurt your soulmate willingly, you will feel the same pain he does.”

“You’re only talking about physical pain, right?” Rick asks while thinking back to _that_ night. 

“Mentally too.”

“He _did_ hurt me mentally. He killed my friends. He manipulated me. He almost had me chop- He-“ Rick’s rambling, feeling the stress creep upon him again.

“I don’t know this man personally”, Gabriel says before Rick can continue. “I’ve barely spoken to him but… he’s perhaps a little deranged, to say the least. Or he ignores all pain getting at him. He might be able to control it. Whether that’s strength or weakness, I can’t tell, but it seems to have helped him so far. I wouldn’t seek for that kind of self-destruction though.”

“I wouldn’t”, Rick points out. “Why do you imply that I would?” 

“I never did”, Gabriel responds, smirking at Rick’s need to shoot back. “But I’ve heard of soulmate temptations. Strong soulmates will be seen as those who live forever. Who doesn’t want that? But with a person like Negan and a man like you, I can’t see an eye for an eye about it.” 

“What happened to yours?” Rick nods at Gabriel’s arm.

“You’re implying that I found mine.” Rick’s eyebrows knit together in a puzzled expression. He remembers Gabriel mentioning his wife who’s dead. 

“How else would you know so much about this subject?”

“I’m a priest, my job is to listen and guide those in need. I’ve spent hours upon hours reading about this. Then, of course, my reading experience is just a grain of sand on a thousand acre beach. I wouldn’t know about how it feels, I can only talk about what I’ve read and heard others say. Although everyone’s soulmate story is different, there’s always something that binds those stories together. 

This complicated situation reminds me of other stories I’ve listened to. I once met a woman whose soulmate was an infamous serial killer who murdered up to eighty people, twenty of those were children he raped and tortured through terrible ways. 

Another one was soulmates with a mafia boss, another a pimp. We don’t choose our soulmates, Rick. We also don’t know why we are chosen that specific person. Or people, some cases are shown that polyamorous soulmates exist, although they’re rarely found. 

It’s scientifically proven that there is an connection, a formed bond within us when we meet our soulmates. The brain activity change, or something like that. I was never interested enough in science to read so much into that area, I’m afraid.” He pauses for a second to let Rick process what he just said. Rick doesn’t know how to respond so he keeps his mouth shut. Gabriel takes that as a cue to keep going. “It will take time for everyone to get in terms with this. As it should, it’s not every day your leader’s soulmate is also your friends’ killer. Let them process this, in their own time.”

“I- I tried to save us, I tried to make Negan take me with him so that I could provide there but- he wouldn’t.” The memory is still too fresh in Rick’s mind so he squints as they pop into his skull again. _I kissed Negan_ , is the new destructive mantra in his brain. 

“The best you could do is staying here and help your people provide for our new boss.”

“I disagree. I got us into this mess. I tried but I _failed_ to help.” 

“It’s not your fault. You can’t predict the future. None of us knew what kind of people they were.” Gabriel seems to be getting ready to leave, probably to bring comfort to the people back at church. “See this as an opportunity to set things right, use these new abilities for good.” Then he leaves Rick alone by the graves. Rick lets Gabriel’s words sink in and he’s determined. 

**

Later that day is Rick making dinner for him, Judith and Carl; who he hasn’t seen since church. He doesn’t know if he’s the one who’s been ignoring them or the opposite. He sets the table for the three of them and waits. He can hear Carl in his room and he assumes Judith is there with him. When he’s gathered some of his strength back, he calls them down to the table. After a few silent minutes, he hears Carl’s door open and he struts down with Judith in his arms. Their eyes meet but none of them say anything. Carl puts Judith in her baby chair and sits down next to her. Still with the wary eyes and cowboy hat on his head to control the long hair. Rick thinks it’s time that someone helped him cut it. He realizes when Carl gives him a nasty glare that he didn’t think at all, but said it out loud.

“The only one who gets to cut my hair is mum”, he mutters to his dad. Rick nods slowly and hums. Lori was always the one who gave Carl fresh trims in the summers and a bit more laid back style throughout the winters. “And besides, I talked to Michonne and she said she’ll help me making it into dreads later.” Rick raises his eyebrow at the young man sitting in front of him. 

“Did she now.” Carl ducks his head and Rick sees a smile on his lips. He can’t help smiling too. “I’ve never seen a cowboy with dreads.”

“I’m the sheriff’s son, not a cowboy”, Carl grimaces amusingly. 

“I’ve ridden on a few horses in my lifetime”, Rick responds and they look at each other for a moment, Rick dumbfounded and Carl deadpanned, before they break out in laughter. Carl lowers his head towards his plate even more so that the hat almost gets dirty and his shoulders shake. Judith starts laughing too, not because she understands what they’re laughing about but because she loves to mimic everything they do. She wants in on the fun time. 

They continue eating a little bit in comfortable silence when the laughing had subdued. Rick thinks back at what Gabriel had told him earlier today and knows he needs to explain it to Carl. It had never really occurred to him that a soulmate conversation is just as important as explaining the birds and bees. Lori had brought up the soulmate topic to him before but only through bedtime stories when Carl was young, so he probably wouldn’t be able to remember much of it. Rick admits to himself that he doesn’t know much himself; just the things he learned from his parents, the media that made a too big of a deal of it through false headlines, and Father Gabriel. He just had a time in his life where he needed to find his soulmate because that was the ideal. Everyone did it at that age when you found girlfriends or boyfriends to travel the world with before settling down with kids. But he never knew much about the pros and cons and the scientific history behind it. 

After he finished chewing on his last piece and swallowed it down, he put his elbows on the table and rested his chin on his hands. Carl glanced up at him a couple of times in silence as he finished his own food. Judith was not paying attention to them anymore and was only playing with her food while giggling. Rick didn’t know where to start, his mind was blank. Carl seemed to have noticed that, and started for him. 

“So”, he pushed his plate aside and leaned back into his chair with his arms folded. He had a slight shadow over his eyes from the hat that was sitting a little too low on his head, but Rick didn’t point it out. “Soulmates, huh.” His voice sounds restrained and Rick understands why. 

“Yeah”, Rick responds and sighs. He looks down at his finished plate to collect his thoughts. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.”

“Father Gabriel explained to us”, Carl said. “after he had talked to you.” He’s biting the insides of his cheeks, Rick mimics him. “I get it, that you can’t choose. But I-“ He breathes out harshly, frustration creeping into his stern expression. “I don’t understand why you kissed him.” 

Rick rubs his hand across his face and nods slowly. He knew that this is what Carl would ask him, he just doesn’t have a good answer to give even if he wishes he could explain the whole world to his son. 

“I don’t either. I know how it sounds, but it’s true. I’m not sure I can explain to you, at least not in a good way.” He pauses and waits for Carl to say something in the line of ‘then don’t, I don’t care’ and stomp off, but he just waits patiently for Rick to continue. He’s more mature than Rick was at his age. “I have these unknown feelings inside of me. They grew stronger when I realized that he is my soulmate. I didn’t know where to place them so I ignored them at first. It wasn’t until that moment that I let them out. It felt right to trust that new side of me, as if that was what I was supposed to do. So I let it take over and next thing I know, I- I was kissing him.” His voice doesn’t hold all the way through because he’s still so embarrassed and shocked that it happened. 

“Does he know?” Carl asks him. Rick nods and Carl sinks further back into the chair; looking slightly defeated but not even close to as defeated Rick feels. “Do you-“ Carl pauses, gnawing on his lips and shies his eyes away. “Do you love him?” 

Rick looks at his son for a moment. He really should’ve had the soulmate conversation with him before all of this, so that the boy didn’t have to walk around with confused and frustrated thoughts like these. He realizes how it must look from Carl’s point of view. That being soulmates instantly equals love and understanding, three kids and a dog in an American apple-pie life. That is what was taught to kids back then. 

“No”, he answers truthfully. He doesn’t feel even a single ounce of love for the man, only hatred. But he can’t deny the parts of him that is demanding to be closer to his friends’ killer, because that’s how soulmate bonding works. Carl nods and straightens his back a little. Rick hears him breathe out in relief and his tight smile softens. He wishes he could follow up with saying that he will never love Negan but that’s not how this works. He might never go down that road but there will always be strings in his heart that pulls him at that direction. All he needs to do is refuse to be dragged around, it can’t be that hard.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually tortuing myself with this fic. I'm a gay man and all I write about with my problematic fav is straight porn. But I'm trying to make it workkkkk. Anyway haha, your kudos and comments always makes my fucking day and is the reason why this fics keeps on rolling. Even if that means straight porn. So thank you so much for that! I hope you like this one x

Negan had always felt things at extremes. When he’s mad, he’s destroying everything around him, when he’s happy it feels like thousands of suns are burning in him. With this he’s been learning to control himself. He can easily shake off a tantrum right after it happened and go back to normal. But through his new discoveries, he’s noticed how different his extremes are becoming. They’ve switched into a more mundane and safe state but it’s not _him_ and he hates it. It takes time to re-adjust. 

His senses are dull, because of Rick fucking Grimes. Soulmates needs to be close to get the full experience and be able to thrive on each other’s strength, to build up and become something beyond ones imagination. He had chosen to push Rick away when the other man offered himself, because he didn’t _truly_ want to be with Negan. Their powers would only be put on hold and might not ever be fully experienced, if Negan had agreed on letting Rick into the Sanctuary. So it wouldn’t be any different from now. 

He’s starting to regret that decision. Another cumshot into Fatima’s open mouth leaves him tingling but it’s not enough. She swallows and looks at him with faked joy. He strokes her cheek before getting dressed. He points out that she got cum on her lower lip and she giggles and licks it off seductively, making him roll his eyes at her while she turns her back to get dressed. She leaves him alone when he’s given her thumbs up and he sits down on the couch besides Lucille. Putting his face in his hands, he groans lowly. Ever since he was forced to confront Rick about their _connection_ , no matter how many girls he’s fucked; it’s never been enough to satisfy him. It pisses him off. 

_Fuck it_ , he thinks and picks up the pager.

“Dwight!” he announces. “Bring Sherry to my room, over.”

It’s silent for a while on the other line and he can’t help but smirking at that. He knows Dwight hates his guts for whatever he’s having crumpled balls about, whether it being Negan marrying his super -hot wife or Dwight being a sour pussy about being alive; he knows. He can look right through that disgusting, scarred face of his. Dwight’s ways to bite his cheeks and just keep on going even if he probably wants to shove the same iron that made his ugly face even worse up Negan’s ass, and Negan acting like he doesn’t know is all part of a game of manipulation. Why not have a little fun when getting the chance to? 

“Yes, sir. Over”, comes the answer finally and Negan smirks even wider. _Good boy_ , he thinks and rises to pour a glass of whiskey for himself. A part of the joy of tormenting both Dwight and Sherry is knowing damn well that they are soulmates. The will to stay alive is disgustingly adorable that Negan has to restrain himself from not bringing it up too much. 

A knock brings him out of his thoughts and he calls them in. He sits down on the sofa again with the glass of whiskey in his hand, gesturing for Sherry to sit down in front of him. She obeys without complaining but doesn’t meet his eyes while doing so. Negan doesn’t mind because he’s busy with observing Dwight at the door. He looks extra greasy and anxious, and it must discolor into Sherry’s soul as well because she’s looking very tired. As he motions for Dwight to leave them he takes a small sip before putting the glass down and leans over. She still won’t look at him, whether she’s ignoring him or not he can’t tell but surprisingly he’s not feeling annoyed by it. He finds her arrogant but that’s about it. His extremes really have changed. 

“Anything you’d like to tell me, dear?” he asks. She shakes her head and looks to the window with a puzzled expression on her soft face. His brows furrow but he doesn’t bother to explore her attitude further. “Alright then. Undress, get on all fours on my bed and spread your legs.” At that, she snorts and stands up. 

“You’re feeling it, aren’t you?” she says and strips out of the tight, black dress comes off and she reveals her slim body to him. He runs his eyes from her calves to her face that’s still turned away from him. 

“What?” he asks, not being in the mood for conversation but the curiosity that kills all the cats in him is bothered with not knowing what the hell she’s talking about. 

“The numbness.” She gets out of her underwear too and walks towards the bed, without sparing an extra glance towards him. “You’ve been with all of the girls within the span of two days. I already knew you were disgusting but this is a bit extreme, even for you.“ Earlier, he’d comment that she kept track of him and that he was feeling flattered but none of that applied now. He just listens to her as she crawls up his bed and exposes her pink pussy to him. “It will never be enough, trust me, _dear_.” She waggles her ass at him for encouragement but he doesn’t get up to slap it nice and red. He’s not even horny at this point even if Sherry’s form always gets him in the mood. “You can fuck me, hell you can fuck all of us them but it will _never be enough_.” Finally, she turns to look him in the eyes while still lying provocatively on the bed. “You’ll always be unsatisfied with us.” 

“Sweetie, don’t be so hard on yourself”, he smirks and waves her gameplay away. “you know I’ll always love you.” 

He can see an unconvinced smile on her lips and his own smile fades and lips tightens. She still looks at him while bringing her hand down to her pussy and starts playing with herself; not getting prepared, just teasing. Pushing two fingers inside, she lets out a moan and whispers to him huskily: “Prove it.” 

He lets her go on for a moment, watching her shudder while getting glistening wet. She fucks herself with three fingers and reaches at her clitoris with her other hand, while moaning to get his attention; to make him prove to her that nothing’s changed. She comes with a loud gasp and rolls over to her back, grinning at him with a victory face. His cock is soft in his pants. He feels nothing. 

**

Rick is lying awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling. Carl is making shuffling noises from downstairs but he hasn’t bothered to stop him. They’ve both been having a hard time sleeping after these new events that’s occurred too close to each other. He’s got the blanket up to his armpits and his hands lying on top of it, squeezing the material. It’s been four hours since he went to bed but he’s not even close to a slumber, even if the day’s been productive just like any other day. He’s just not tired. There’s something nagging in the back of his head, something he won’t be able to scratch away so he lets it nag and so is continuously loosing ability to sleep. 

He and Aaron had been out scavenging, but not too far off. They already have stuff lying around for Negan to collect, but the more they have the better it is. Especially since they didn’t take much of anything last time. Rick doesn’t think Negan got distracted enough to forget, he thinks it’s all part of a grand plan, so he gathered as much as he could. 

For his soulmate.

He groans and rubs his hand against his face and scruffy beard. It’s still bothering him, still making it boil in the pit of his stomach. The little talk he had with Father Gabriel did make some things ease up within him but it’s far from resolved. He can deal with the history and science, but he can’t deal with Negan. His soulmate. His, supposedly, other half. The pit in his stomach is scrunching up and fills him with tight knots. It must be some kind of sick joke. He’s stuck in a torture sitcom. 

After another hour of not being able to get even a tiny bit of sleep, he gets up. Might as well be as productive as he can at four a.m. After getting dressed he makes his way down the stairs and is greeted by Carl with dark rings underneath his eyes. Frowning, he sits down next to his son on the couch and waits for the boy to talk. There is an underlying tension between them and the rest, an unresolved conflict that keeps adding to the already thick atmosphere. Ever since that day had people started to avoid Rick as much as they can; especially those who were against working for Negan for survival in the first place. He’s been questioned and pointed at behind his back and he’s heard them whisper about him when they think he can’t hear them as clear as day. 

“What’s going to happen now?” Carl’s voice is raw from lack of sleep. He’s fiddling with the bandage around his head, changing it to a clean one. Rick breathes in and out slowly and looks into the cold fireplace to think. 

“We scavenge. We provide. We live. It’s just like old times but with a little different set of rules, that’s all”, Rick answers and gets an annoyed grunt in response. 

“I’m not stupid. _We’re_ not stupid”, he shot at Rick, still changing the bandage and not looking at his dad. Rick frowns.

“I never said you were”, he defends himself, wondering where Carl is going with this and what he’s accusing Rick of. When Carl is done with the bandage, he turns his whole body to Rick.

“We all know what’s at stake”, he begins and his under lip is trembling of anger. “ _We all know_ , so you can stop with this charade and pretend everything will go back to normal because _nothing about this_ is normal!” 

“Keep your voice down, your sister is sleeping”, Rick tells him in a hushed voice. Carl shakes his head at him, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing from his dad, and gets up from the couch and stomps out. Rick is left alone on the couch and he regrets cutting Carl off like that. His son is clearly in distress of this situation and he can’t judge him; he is too. He’s doing the best he can about it. He can’t scrape off the writings on his arm because they’re permanent; not even fire could burn it off. There have been people who in their worst psychotic moments have been cutting their arms off, but the markings are still inked in their souls. There’s no escape from destiny. Rick’s been thinking about it. Hell, he’s been standing on front of the mirror he cracked his knuckles into, and tried to talk himself into cutting the skin off. But there is nowhere he can go where Negan won’t follow. He needs to find another way. And that’s what he’s trying to do; find ways to live through this hell. 

Shaking his head, he gets up to wake Aaron. He needs to leave this place for a day and breathe. Scavenging seems promising to take his mind off things for a while. Walking over to Aaron only takes a few minutes but he is standing outside his door for at least ten. Aaron is fast asleep in there with his boyfriend. The clock is past four a.m. Rick feels like an intruder and idiot but one of the rules is to not go alone when going hunting for stuff. He knows not everyone is following that rule but it’s the principle of it that matters. He could find someone else but something about that thought is really disturbing to him. He can’t put his finger on what it is so he uses the finger to ring the doorbell instead. 

Aaron opens and looks at Rick with first confusion, then worry. Rick shakes his head in a way to tell Aaron not to worry, nothing’s happened to him or anyone else. At least nothing major.

“I need to go out. Do stuff. Want to come?” he asks, hoping that Aaron will say yes. The other man is looking at Rick for a moment, dividing whether or not he should agree. Finally, he nods and goes back inside again. Probably to gather his things and kiss his boyfriend goodbye. Rick is leaning against the wall when Aaron is done, following the other man to a car when he comes out. 

“Where do you want to go?” Aaron asks and sits on the driver seat, head turned to Rick. Eugene is already up and running so he opens and closes the gate for them as they drive. 

“I don’t know. Somewhere, nowhere. You choose.” Rick can’t think right now, his head is spinning. In the corner of his eye, he can see Aaron getting the worry in his expression again. 

“Rough night?” he asks gently. Rick snorts and leans his head back while staring at the road before him. 

“You could say that. But then again, which night hasn’t been rough after-“ he can’t bring himself to say it so he goes quite. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Rick bites the inside of his cheeks when Aaron is laying an option on him. He trusts the man, he really does. He’s been good to Rick and the rest. Trustable and kind. But does he trust him enough with these intangible emotions that are sucking his pit into a black hole of sorrow inside of him at this moment? 

“I-I just”, Rick stammers and breathes in shakily. “I don’t get it.” Aaron is quite beside him, probably waiting for him to keep going. “This man he- he murdered Abe and Glenn. Almost had me cut my son’s arm off for giggles. He threatened us, manipulated us and _he_ is supposed to be _my_ soulmate. I don’t _get it_.” He has to turn away from looking at the road and hides his face in his palms for a second. “Why him. Why him? Why?” 

“The galaxy works in mysterious ways”, comes the answer from Aaron and Rick glares at him. Aaron smiles in return. “Look, Rick. I’m not judging you for this, no one is. Everyone knows that you can’t help that this is the situation. Best you can do is to make it work somehow.”

“Easy for you to say”, Rick sighs. “Your soulmate is squeaky clean.” Aaron laughs at that. 

“Eric might look like a sweet and innocent angel on the outside, but I promise you that he can be the actual devil sometimes.” Rick rolls his eyes at him and Aaron’s smile grows bigger. “Listen, we can’t compare our soulmates, it doesn’t work like that. You might have a little bit more to work with but I know that you can make it work. I know it, you know how?” Rick shakes his head and waits. “Because you’re Rick fucking Grimes.” Rick realizes that he must’ve picked it up from someone, probably Negan of all people to pick up wordings from. He deadpans at his friend and earns a wink. “Jokes aside though, you can make it work. There is no one else in the world that I can think of who can handle a man like Negan. I think destiny knows that as well.”

Rick thinks about that for a moment. It sounds like Greek in his ears because he doesn’t understand it. To him, it’s a curse. He’s been cursed because of some sinning he probably did twenty years ago and he has to pay for all his fuckups. He’s not going to give up though because giving up in this situation equals death and he has two children to look after. He won’t give up and he will make this work. If not for his own sanity, then he’ll do it for Carl and Judith.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> School's a bitch and stressful as fuck atm so I won't be able to update as much as I'd like. I'll try once a week! 
> 
> If you have any, idk, questions or just wanna hang out you can find my tumblr at neganslaughter.tumblr.com 
> 
> This chap fought me and I'm not sure I like it. but I hope you like it though x

After one full night and half a day on the road, they had found lots of weapons but no clips or mags. It would’ve been a bust if it weren’t for the propped storages with food for miles, at least for half a truck. They had to go three runs back with the canoe and forth to get everything with them. When the truck was locked and loaded, they started to head back to camp. The drive back was silent apart from the car motor and Aaron’s whistling. Rick leaned his head against the cold window and watched the scenery flow by. Green forests and abandoned, empty houses on occasion; nothing that caught his attention so he sailed into daydreams. He didn’t feel like he had made progress at all during these days, apart from not going completely insane from the revelation. Although it didn’t suck as much as he had first thought, it was still Negan who was his actual soulmate and that’s something he needs to adjust his life around. 

He had heard people in Alexandria seeing this new life as paying taxes to a higher power. And that it wasn’t as different as it used to be before the human kind started dying at a fast rate. He supposed they were right but he found it difficult to accept it. Especially when the higher power is a trouble seeking psychopath with _too much_ power. He had seen similar cases like these back in the days when he was the sheriff. Dangerous men who got together and acted above the law, to mess around with lesser fortunate minds. It’s a bad group dynamic formed from fear. 

“We could drive a little longer if you want”, Aaron breaks the silence and glances at Rick. But Rick shakes his head and straightens his position on the seat. They need to go back to Alexandria now, knowing that they’ve been gone for quite some time. Also figuring that only Eric properly knows where they are, even if he’s probably told everyone, it’s not more than right that they’d be heading back. 

He closes his eyes and rocks into a shallow slumber from the way the car drives over uneven ground. Behind his eyelids he sees flickering fragments of Negan’s face and his shit-eating grin, and a gnawing sensation takes form in his chest. It’s turbid and not at all strong so he isn’t bothered by it, and continues to have his eyes closed; hoping that he could be brought to sleep. More of Negan’s many different annoying smiles pop up and while he tries to wave them away, they keep coming as clear as day. The feeling in his chest has settled comfortably by his ribs, nestled into him like an animal desperate for shelter. Crossing his arms, he breathes in and out deeply and accept the sudden waves that rocks into him. Sleep comes easy after that, and he dives deep into the dark ocean of dreams.

When waking up, Aaron had just driven to the gate. He wears a strange expression on his face when Rick stretches his joints. It’s when an unknown person opens the gate that Rick immediately starts chewing on the inside of his cheeks. On the inside he sees three of Negan’s cars lined up against the wall and he tenses up. 

“Time to go into battle, then”, Aaron murmurs next to him. Rick gets out of the car and Aaron drives inside. He walks up to one of the Savior’s who’s greeting him with a fake smile plastered on his face. 

“Where is he?” Rick grumbles at the man.

“Negan? He’s in your house, asshole”, the soldier answers with an expression that speaks high levels of annoyance. “Waiting for you.”

Rick breathes harshly and walks past him. Mantras of thoughts shoots into his head, all of them screaming repetitively _this is not good this is not good this is not good_. He’s on his way inside to confront Negan and question why they’re so early, but is being stopped by another Savior who holds his hand up to Rick’s chest and gets way into Rick’s personal space. Clearly, this greasy man has only one role model in life.

“Woah, hey!” the Savior says and chuckles. “Just like that?” His body language is starting to build up into a threatening mode to let Rick know that he won’t be fucking around. He’s buying time for something, Rick doesn’t know what but it makes him want to run into Alexandria and find Negan before something messy goes down. The gnawing sensation in him had turned into a pit of anxiety. Worry blossoms but he can’t do anything with this man standing in his way. Risks are that he will attack he Savior, but that will only make his current state worse than it already is. “We’ve been waiting for _hours_. Just so see what you’re gonna bring us, huh.” He pinched Rick’s cheek and cooed from his sweaty mouth, grinning satisfyingly at how Rick started to lose his temper but knowing damn well that Rick won’t be able to do anything about it. The Savior brought his heavy arm around Rick’s shoulder. “Why don’t we have a look first.” And then he gave Rick a hard push towards the truck. He and Aaron only watched as they loaded the things they brought out of the truck. Both being antsy on their feet to get it over with so they could go further into Alexandria. 

“Not bad”, the first Savior said to them and it brought a pang of annoyance to both of them. 

“We had to go pretty far”, Aaron muttered defensively but isn’t confronted by it before one of the Savior’s, the only girl in this small group, picked up the letter Aaron had found in the houseboat. 

“The hell is this, ‘congrats for winning but you still lose’?” That changed the smug atmosphere immediately and all of them gathered closer to Aaron. The greasy man grabbed the letter from the girl’s hands and walked appallingly slow to Aaron who had lost all colors in his face, knowing that something bad would come out of this. He had kept the letter as a joke, not inclining them to find it. 

“You leave us a little love note?” The grease said between his teeth, resembling more of a sweaty swine rather than a human being, pointing his finger at Aaron who was shaking.

“No- no, I just- I mean- we wouldn’t, obviously-“Aaron stammered and was pressed against the side of the truck. 

“Wait, did you just say it’s _obvious_?” The grease continued and pushed Aaron fast and hard against the truck with a force that was meant to hurt. Aaron yelped out in shock and the breath was taken out of him. 

“We didn’t do this”, Aaron tried to explain but it was obvious that the swine wasn’t going to listen. He was just looking for blood and had already shut his ears off. 

“It’s not about the damn _note_ ”, he gritted.

“Don’t!” Rick tried to intervene before things turned ugly but was stopped by the other Savior. 

“Run along to Negan, Rick”, he said with a smug gleam on his face and turned away to Aaron; clapping his shoulder a few times before punching him hard in his stomach. Aaron let out a scream and fell to the ground in pain. “But your friend here, he’s got no place to be”, the man continued and got himself ready for another blow and kicked Aaron’s ribs roughly. 

Rick snapped and tried to push forward. “Don’t you-“ he tried to warn but was abruptly interrupted by the girl who held a gun against his temple. Anger fumed off him and he was desperate to help Aaron, but dying wouldn’t save either of them. He watched helplessly as Aaron got kicked everywhere, including his face that got bloodier and bloodier each minute that passed. They picked him up by the collar just to punch his face back down to the ground, repeatedly. 

It’s not until Aaron’s on the edge of passing out, that they’d finally had enough, saying how they probably understood the point. Rick was shaking with anger and the only point made in his mind is how badly he wanted them to pay for what they had done. Rick went forward to help Aaron up, his friend gurgling from the blood. He made a small comment of the things he brought up earlier but Rick snarled him and picked him up, holding a tight grip around his middle to not drop him. Aaron limped next to him, struggling with the pace they needed to move things faster. 

When finding that big parts of the town was empty of people, both of them figured in silence that something big was going on. Rick’s heart hammered violently in his chest and he had to force himself to breathe to not faint. It’s moments like these when he wishes that Alexandria was way smaller than it is, and had the strength to give Aaron a piggyback ride and sprint off. But instead he’s stuck with half dragging the beat-up man. It’s going slow and unsteadily. 

Minutes passed and Aaron keeps gurgling and spitting blood; face starting to swell up to a point where Rick realizes he can’t see very well. He’s stumbling on his feet from every step he takes and leans more heavily than before into Rick’s side; relying completely on that Rick should be able to know. His eyesight is preoccupied with red, spitting anger and murder thoughts. But they’re starting to loose speed, Aaron is heavy against Rick’s side and he’s breathing heavily. Eyelids starts to flutter on him. 

“Stay awoke with me, Aaron, stay with-“ he’s interrupted by a gunshot and that wakes Aaron up as well. They give each other one last glance before walking on adrenaline. All the bad things that could’ve gone wrong in this town. It’s bad, Rick knows it. It’s probably worse, he doesn’t want to think about it but it’s what keeps coming to him; as fuels, gasoline for the ride. All the mistakes, the deaths, the chaos. Everything sorrowful is crashing down into Rick at once and he’s so angry he could explode. Aaron is bleeding and broken, his own mind is a ticking time bomb. He pushes the animal in him away, the small one that was on its way up his throat; crawling away from the fire in his body. Pushing it back down, where it can burn up. Finally, they see the masses of people up ahead and he thought it couldn’t be worse than his fears until another short is heard. “Damnit”, he swears loudly, making Aaron flinch beside him but he doesn’t answer in similar way. A million thoughts at once creep into his mind and breeds into hybrids of hate and fear. 

He sees Negan with his dumb bat and white t-shirt underneath the dumb leatherjacket. There’s gasps of horror and a distinct smell of blood. He sees Eric and stumbles towards him to unburden Aaron onto him; their eyes meet for a second and Rick’s insides churns up inside of him. All the hate, fear, murder. It’s all laid out in front of him, created by the man who he walks up to; the man who is having a piece of his own soul inside. 

“We had an _agreement_ ”, Rick bursts out, limbs shaking violently. Negan meets his fuels with a hearty shark smile as usual. 

“Rick!” he says hoarsely. “Look everybody, it’s _Rick_! Your people’s making me lose my voice doing all this yelling.” Rick looked around himself, at the chaos that had gone down. He met some of his people’s eyes and they shook of fear. “Rick, how about a ‘thank you’?”

Rick couldn’t believe his ears at this moment. Shaky with lost breath, he got up closer to Negan and gritted his teeth at him like a feral animal. The red before his eyes faded into a darker shade. Negan lost his smile for a second watching Rick gather himself for throwing a fit, preferably a proper fight so that Rick could punch that gleam once and for all. He watched Negan roll his eyes before having his hand grab his shoulder and pull him with him. He tries to fight against behind manhandled but Negan is stronger. 

“We’ll be back”, Negan announces to the crowd. “We’re gonna have a little heart-to-heart, or a man off, we’ll see. Arat, keep things steady.” 

He drags Rick offside and when they’re far enough to still see the crowd, he stops and crosses his arms around his chest. 

“Let’s solve this dispute”, he proposes. “Clearly you have something on your mind and communication is key in a healthy relationship, Ricky, so spill it.” 

“Screw you”, Rick growls back. “We have shit in the truck for you that we got so that no more of my men would die.”

“Hey now”, Negan holds both his hands up defensively. “He was shit talking you, Rick. Told me a little sob-story about his family that had died and also saying how I should kill you to make him the leader instead. Now, not only did he threaten your life, you’re fucking welcome by the way, but he also threatened mine. Clearly I couldn’t have that, so I killed him. There’s no loss for anyone. Besides, you’re not really that upset. You’re just a little pissy that there’s one man down on your behalf, not that it was that stuck-up little kid with a bad haircut. There’s no harm in making mistakes as a leader every now and then, but…” He eyed Rick a few times and the smug gleam crept onto his lips again. “Olivia died because that was Arat’s doing, _after_ that military princess had tried to shoot me. See what this is Rick, this is _you_ not being able to control your people so they die because we had an agreement. Don’t fuck with me and you don’t die. Simple as a fucking cake, Rick. But hey! What-the-fuck-ever. I’m already over it.”

“You’re too early, what are you even doing here in the first place?” Rick asked and had to calm himself down. 

“Returning your son after he had somehow sneaked into one of my trucks to my place after my men had made a little visit at Hilltop, and machine-gunned a bunch of my men.” Rick’s face lost its colors. Negan barked out a laugh at him. “No worries though, he won’t be an impulsive, pubertal teen again.” 

“Did you- did-“ Rick stammered, feeling fear in his stomach. Negan frowned.

“Did I what? Did I fucking kill him, is that it? Hell no! That badass motherfucker is not going down anytime soon, not on my fucking watch. No, we had a little bonding moment. Then I returned him home and made him spaghetti. No harm, just play.” 

Rick stared at him for a long time, not being able to envision what he had just said into pictures. Aaron had almost been punched to death, his son had gone on a minor killing spree back at Negan’s place, and then two of his people had been killed within the matter of a few minutes. It was a lot of things for him to process. 

“Why did they- Olivia and Spencer-“ Rick tried to focus on his talking but his mouth blabbered one way and his thoughts another so it all came out as scribbles.

“Already told ya, Olivia was Arat’s doing. Wouldn’t have been my own choice if I got to choose but she’s got a whole mind of her own, that one. And Spencer- well, couldn’t have him death threaten my soulmate, now could I?” 

Rick shot daggers. “We both know damn well that you didn’t do this for me."

“Are you upset I didn’t?” Negan smirked and got even closer so that their chests were touching. Rick forced a sharp breath down. He kept his eyes fully on Negan’s, burning the other man up in his head. “Goddamn, Rick. You could nuclear the whole fucking world with those eyes.”

He said it as if it was a compliment towards himself, but Rick just wanted to kill him. He couldn’t, but he wanted to. He was ravishing with hate inside. To ease some of the anger off, he quickly grabbed Negan by his leatherjacket collar and dragged his face down to even out the dominance. Hoping to be able to punch some sense into the other man; do at least do something to make the burning anger in him stop.

They’re almost on eyelevel now, Negan’s forehead bumps into Rick’s from Rick’s shaking hand. Something starts to build up inside of Rick, something that’s been put on hold way too long. It’s bursting like outstretched rubber bands, flicks his nerves and bones. It feels like a burning fever, flames licking the walls of his throat. Feeling like the animal inside his body, he suddenly wants to bury himself in Negan; dig a hole in the other man’s chest, climb inside and stitch him up. But he just swallows and flicker his gaze between both of Negan’s eyes. 

“Do you feel it?” Negan’s voice is hoarse and low and his smile has faded away. With ‘it’, Negan means the soulmate bonding; it’s so clear now by the way it convulses electricity through the entirety of Rick’s body. The way imaginary ants are sprinting through his legs, and something feels like it’s about to claw itself out of him, is almost satisfying. He can grow addicted to this sensation. Parts of him wants to nod, other parts wants to cry. Both parts want to bring Negan’s face closer to his and melt together and become one, big pile of electricity. But he just swallows and has to look away. 

He still feels the anger and hate towards the other man but he other sensation is filling him up more. It’s trying to take over his senses and control him; he can feel it pulling at his strings.

“Rick…” the other man murmurs and brings his gloved hand to Rick’s cheek. When gloved finger meets stubble, Rick immediately bolts away and distances himself from the other man. He rubs a hand against his face and shakes his head, backing away further. Negan tries to take a step towards Rick but Rick holds up a warning finger at him and makes the other man stop. Rick breathes hard, lungs heaving up and down painfully. The electricity in his body is protesting but he ignores it. He almost lost himself to a dangerous sensation, to something he’s never felt before. 

“Just leave”, he hisses from where he stands. Negan frowns but doesn’t respond. “Just fucking go.” And with that, Rick is off, not sparing a second glance at the other man. He walks away to the crowd that had eased up, there’s more Saviors left than his people, only Gabriel, Rosita and Eugene are left. He walks right past them to pick Carl and Judith up and go back to their house.

To his surprise, he found out later from Gabriel that Negan actually had left, without messing with anyone else or apparently saying another word.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you a lot for your comments. Hope you like this one as well x

It had been almost a week of walking around on the grey concrete and whistling his men off to do their shit. He couldn’t concentrate on anything but the extreme low will of waking up in the mornings; all he wanted to do was to spend all his time in bed. He had Simon to most of the duties, since he couldn’t find the usual strength to do it himself. 

The first two days he acted around it, pretended that it was just shit and giggles; blamed it on a hangover he didn’t have. At first Simon somewhat believed him, but when day three hit, and he found himself lying in bed for four hours without getting up, Simon had started coming up with other suggestions. They made a deal that until Negan grew a pair of balls and went to fix the issue; Simon would take care of half the business. It’s not the first time they made that deal. Once when Negan had gotten a stab wound from an angry worker and the Sanctuary, and he had to rest until the pus and redness had faded, Simon took care of his job. That scrawny man with the terrible moustache is the only man that Negan feels like he can trust in here. Not a hundred percent because that’s stupid, but well enough. 

He had tried to distract his dull mind with the girls. But when he during the two first days hadn’t been able to get hard, they had started to tell him no. He feels like fucking shit. 

Simon had given him his thoughts on it, telling him what he should do even if Negan already knew damn well what was happening to him. He hadn’t expected it to happen so quickly and so sudden. One day he was feeling peachy, he the next he lost it all. He knew what he had to do to solve this situation, but it took new things out him like courage to go through with it. Being in this state made him feel weak in ways he’s never felt weak before. Exposed and open to a world he never knew existed. 

But it became sparkling clear to him on the fifth day when Simon told him a little story about his soulmate, and their bonding experience. He only half listened to the sob story and while Simon held a sturdy face and his eyes drifted away to another place, his own mind sailed along waves he wanted to drown in and never come back. He needed to fix this, or else he’d go fucking crazy. If he had the strength to do that. 

On the sixth day of depressing thoughts, he had enough. People had started to talk behind his back, to snicker at him. If he was in his normal state, he’d bash every single one of their skulls and pain the walls dark red. With Lucille swung across his shoulders, he made an order to some of his men to join him back to Alexandria. Dwight, a curly haired man in his thirties named Tony, and a dark skinned man named Rob went along with him to the trucks. Simon stayed at the Sanctuary. Tony drove, Negan bounced his legs up and down in sync with the car’s shaking. Dwight and Rob were mostly silent but from time to time they were bickering in the back like a married couple. Negan grinned at the thought. 

He was going to Alexandria, refilling his fuels with energy to give back at those who think that a few days off means freedom. Rick was going to help him with that. It was going to take a while, he realized, but in the end it would all be worth it. Perhaps the other man would be able to see it as well.

**

Every day when he woke up it had started to feel like claws scratched its way into his lungs. Long, pointy claws that dug in deep each time he took a breath of morning air. He felt other uneasy feelings; tense shoulders, ants in his legs. It helped for a moment when he got up and distracted himself with work, but as he was going to bed at nights again; the restless feelings came crawling back. It was starting to drive him mad, since it had been going on for almost a week, since Negan was at Alexandria the last time. He was dead tired from the lack of sleep and annoyed by this new phenomenon that disturbed his will to live. 

Rick woke up clawing at his own chest, trying to force the pain out of him but it kept going. He had a cold sweat and was probably fever hot. Gabriel had been coming to him for advice to ease off the sensations but mostly he’s been talking lightly around the soulmate subject. If it’s to distract or annoy Rick further, he can’t tell, he just wants it to end. Somewhere in the back of his head he remembers some books he read way back. Books about different stages of what happens after you’ve found your soulmate, and how to precede the process. That’s what Gabriel’s been trying to talk to him about during the first two days of this distress, but he didn’t want to listen. _I’m fine_ , he kept telling Gabriel who just watched him in disbelief but didn’t try to force him to listen. _I’m fine, just go_. 

He’s not fine, it hurts. Too much. It’s putting a barrier in his head between sanity and insanity and he’s starting to loose ability to push those two aside. Another shot of the imaginary claw that digs into his lungs forces him out of bed. He needs distraction, now. Stumbling down the stairs and into the bathroom, He felt uncomfortable in his own skin, like he didn’t belong in it. The mirror is still broken after he cracked it with his knuckles, but he can still see himself perfectly clear. His face, his salt and pepper beard; eyes wary and twitching. He heaves struggling breaths through his lungs and it’s burning each time. His skin gets hotter and hotter underneath his clothes each minute that passes and soon he’s standing in open flames. He has to get undressed to get rid of some of the uncomfortable heat. 

_It’s okay._

He tries to convince himself he’s just stressed out. Not getting enough sleep. They’re going to be fine, he will come up with a solution to their problems. _I’m the problem_ , a traitorous thought whispers in his core. _I’m the problem, I need to be fixed._ He feels lightheaded, as if he’s not getting enough oxygen but he’s breathing. He’s breathing so much, so hard, so fast. Too fast. Every nerve is clenching, unclenching, sending painful pulses through his marrow. 

_It’s not okay._

He’s just going to survive somehow. Live through this hell. _Fuck, it hurts._ He lets the tap water run below him while holding tightly onto the porcelain. Wanting to crack the mirror again, wanting to feel something else but this unbearable pulsing. Dipping his hands down in the sink with the ice cold water, his breath hitches from the cold but he keeps sinking them in. Wanting to dip his whole body into it, wanting to put the fire out. His forearms are under water and he rests his forehead on the tap; focusing on the cold and the cold only, not wanting to give into the scorch. 

_It’s not okay._

He can breathe again. The pain had subdued a little. But his eyes are still twitching. His nerves are still clenching, unclenching. But it doesn’t hurt as bad as it did a few minutes ago. Rick is half naked, and still hot. Too hot, but not in as much pain. He can survive the heat. 

Getting out of the bathroom still undressed on his upper body, he walks to Judith’s room where she should be since Carl is practicing his shooting with Daryl. Judith doesn’t have a babysitter since Olivia is gone. Rick clenches his teeth; the memory of the shot that took Olivia’s life is still fresh in his mind. As he picks up Judith from her crib and down on the ground to let her practice her walking, his mind drifts to Negan and what had happened that day. How their bond had brought them closer physically and Rick had wanted to be even closer, but he couldn’t allow himself to. He had been so angry, so frustrated that no matter how many solid deals they had, Negan _still_ killed his people. And yet he found himself wanting more. Be closer, and closer, to the man who had just murdered Spencer and Olivia died by his soldier’s hands. Same kind of clench, unclench, in his nerves but not nearly as painful as now. 

Judith makes a few happy noises when balancing on her chubby feet, and Rick smiles fondly at her. When Carl was her age he was already walking before he learned how to properly crawl, and almost talking. He made sense of what Rick and Lori said and mimicked them of whatever they did. Judith doesn’t seem to have the same learning curve as her brother, but she’s still only eleven months. She’s got plenty of time. 

He picks her up and bounces her up and down a few times in his arms, making her giggle, before walking out to the kitchen to feed her. The same kitchen where Negan apparently was making spaghetti for them. He had not been able to get that thought of his head ever since Negan told him and he made Carl tell the rest of the story. Grimacing, he puts Judith down in her chair and makes her some breakfast. He’s still too hot on his skin, but it’s better than the pain. Seeing his kids alive and well is making everything he has to go through worth it. Judith is happily eating, Carl is practicing, and Rick is doing enough. 

_It’s okay._

Just as Judith finished eating is Carl walking through the front door. He greets his sister and gives Rick a look that Rick can’t place. 

“How did it go?” he asks his son. Carl shrugs and seems to be struggling to find the right words. He has his under lip between his teeth, chewing on it. 

“I never hit the target.”

“It takes time, you will get there soon.” Carl huffs in frustration. It’s not directed at Rick, but himself. Losing his eye bothered Carl more than anything. Especially now since he’s being rebellious and has a need to set things right, and that means killing Negan in his mind. But since he can’t do that, because if he does; Rick will die, he’s figured that Negan’s men are more than enough. 

“You just woke up?” Carl asks and nods at the finished breakfast plates. Rick shakes his head slowly as an answer, mind drifting to the moment in the bathroom, _clench, unclench, pain, pain, pain_. “Gabriel wanted to talk to you.” Rick frowns because he knows exactly what Gabriel would want to have a conversation about. “Said it was important.” 

“I’ll find him”, Rick sighs. “Can you take Judith?” 

“Yeah, I’m on it.” 

“Thanks.” Rick rises and heads out, but before he’s out the door, Carl calls for him.

“Hey, dad?”

“Yeah?” Rick calls back, waiting at the door for Carl to finish his thought. 

“If you’re- I mean, if you’re in pain because of this, maybe you should, like, I don’t know. Talk to him about it, if you can.” 

Rick hums in confusion. “To Gabriel?” he asks slowly, trying to understand what and who Carl is talking about. 

“No. Negan.” Carl is struggling with his voice; hatred spewing off as he tries to contain it and keep his cool. Rick blinks, still trying to understand where Carl is coming from. Rick thought he had covered his pain well in front of his kids. 

“I’m just having a bit of a trouble sleeping, is all”, Rick somewhat lies. 

“Right”, Carl says, voice filled with doubt. “Okay, whatever.” Rick leaves.

**

Gabriel is sitting by the graves that have become their usual spot for conversation. His wearing his usual clothes and the same collected expression on his face. Rick joins him on the ground, resting his arms on his knees, watching the graves. They’re sitting in silence for a while, trying to enjoy the moment of rest. But Rick is feeling fidgety; he just wants to get the conversation over with. To him it feels like he’s been busted of doing something bad and Gabriel is his dad who is going to have a serious talk about what’s wrong and what’s right, as if good or bad is black and white. He feels like he’s trapped in a corner. 

But Gabriel isn’t a wild beast who’s going to eat him up, he’s not Negan. The other man turns his head slightly towards Rick with a genuine smile on his face. Not judging Rick the slightest, just a smile. 

“I think we need to have a talk about the different soulmate bonding stages”, Gabriel says educationally. Rick doesn’t meet his eyes but he knows Gabriel can see the disbelief in them. “To you, I understand it’s been a lot to take in but it’s nevertheless important for you to hear them. Before I go on, I want to make it clear to you that we all see what you’re trying to hide. We can see your pain, some more than others, and your son sees them the most. See it like friends seeing another friend in desperate need.”

“I don’t _need_ help, I’ve got it under control”, Rick protests but doesn’t even believe in it himself and neither does Gabriel. In the corner of his eyes he can see Gabriel raise his eyebrow in disbelief. “I already know about the stages, but they’re not true to me.”

“Some people experience the stages in different orders. The most common ones are starting with the honeymoon stage, which obviously you and Negan haven’t gotten close to. You and Negan are most likely at the power struggle stage right now. Meaning that you only manage to focus on each other’s flaws, and other bad things.” 

“Alright, but where’s the harm in that? Do I _want_ to experience the honeymoon stage with Negan? No, I don’t. I don’t want to be near that man.” 

“You’re in pain”, Gabriel points out. Rick sighs and rubs his face. 

“That’s got nothing to do with-“

“Yes, it does, Rick. Since your soulmate bonding started off with so much anger and hate, it flipped over to the power struggle stage immediately and left you with pain unless you’re close to Negan. The bond wants to subdue into the honeymoon stage, and this is its way of telling you to let it. Now, like I said, some people experience the stages in different orders like you, but everyone experience them in different ways. You feel pain, you can’t sleep. Since Negan is your soulmate, he is at the power struggle stage too and he’s struggling in a way to, a way unknown to us. If you won’t allow the bond to flip over to the honeymoon stage, then I’m afraid you’ll be in a lot of pain until it moves along to the stability stage. The two first stages are the most crucial ones, and will be a lot to handle for everyone.” 

“What do you suggest I do, then?” Rick asks quietly, not liking where this is going.

“As much as all of us hate that man, you need to be with him. Nothing major, just spend time with him. Allow yourself to ease into the bond until you’re not in pain anymore.” 

“I can’t do that, you know I can’t”, Rick almost pleads, wishing so desperately for another way. But Gabriel’s look tells him that there is none. He’s able to handle the pain sometimes, but the moments it’s on the edge of unbearable; he wishes for anything to make it stop. And since this morning, it had gotten worse. He can’t even imagine how it feels on higher levels. Shuddering, he looks at his hands that are shaking slightly, like they used to when he was drinking too many cups of coffee in a day. 

“Allow yourself to feel content.” 

“With a monster?” Rick snorts. He’s never seen a bunny cuddling up together with a wolf. 

“With yourself. Use Negan as a tool to grow stronger.” In the corner of his eye he can see Gabriel turn around and look at something behind their backs, but Rick doesn’t turn to do the same. He’s trying to figure out what to do, like he’s always doing this time around. Figure stuff out, solve situations. So far he’s done a pretty shit job at it. “Starting now”, Gabriel murmurs. “I’ll leave you two alone.” 

“What are you talking about?” Rick asks and watches Gabriel rise to his feet. He receives a soft smile from the man but no answer. Rick almost turns around to see who he’s supposed to talk to now, but from a tug in his heart he already know who it is. The man walks over to Rick’s front but doesn’t sit down on the ground with him. Wearing his usual outfit apart from the barbed wired bat, Negan looks down at Rick who can’t seem to look back. “What are you doing here?” Rick mutters without really wanting to know the answer.

“Think you know”, Negan mutters back, apparently not enjoying the stage so much himself. Rick wonders what his side effects are but doesn’t ask. “Stand up.” Rick huffs in annoyance but complies at Negan’s demand. Standing face to face with the man, Rick finally looks up and meets his eyes. They look the same but there’s something off in them, something Rick haven’t seen before. He frowns but doesn’t have time to come up with a mocking comment before Negan closes their small distance and snakes his hand around Rick’s neck and pushes his head gently forward until their foreheads bumps into each other. Rick can’t help but letting out a soft, almost inaudible sigh which he immediately regrets, though Negan didn’t seem to notice. All uneasy feelings had disappeared at once and he’s left feeling content. Almost safe. Rick tries to convince himself that it’s the bond warming up around them, and nothing else, but it’s a silver lining. He can’t tell what’s what at this moment.

Negan is standing surprisingly still and is breathing slowly with his eyes closed. Rick is looking at the other man, drinking the visuals of what he can see from his angle. His bushy eyebrows and eyelashes on his cheeks. Feeling Negan’s breath against his lips. He’d hate to admit but it makes him shiver uncontrollably. _It’s just the bond_ , he thinks. _You can’t help this feeling_. This feeling of comfort. He had no idea it would be like this; to go insane without Negan’s presence close around him. That it would be so hard to go by. Then again, it would get easier. He hoped. 

Carl knew what was going on a long time ago. He remembers his son telling him that they weren’t stupid, his people, because they knew. This is what his son was afraid of because he knew exactly what had to happen to Rick for him to go back to his normal self. He suppresses a groan, because he’s embarrassed. Carl had to have all different kinds of talks with Gabriel instead of his own father, because Rick was too busy not going apeshit crazy from the lack of his soulmate’s touch. 

He thinks about other soulmates, people who can’t be with each other for different reasons. Are those the ones that end up in mental institutions, along with those who desperately tries to find their soulmate but can’t? Another shiver goes through his spine, but it’s icier than the first and he feels uncomfortable. Could he actually go insane without Negan’s touch? 

It’s as if Negan can feel Rick’s nerves jumping around in his body and starts stroking his neck with his fingers. The hairs on Rick’s neck rise immediately. 

All these thoughts in his mind are making him exhausted. Without further thinking, he slides his forehead off Negan’s and rests it against the man’s shoulder. He can feel Negan tense up for a microsecond and wonders what that’s about, but doesn’t bring it up. He just stands there with his eyes closed, breathing in Negan’s smells of leather and something else. _The smell of Negan_. He finds himself not minding it as much as he should. Trying to get used to be this close to the other man, since he doesn’t want to go back to the clench, unclench, pain, pain, pain. To this moment, it felt like he had been in chronic pain his entire life. He can actually breathe now, although he’s feeling lightheaded. 

The bond is satisfied with them; content and happy. Rick’s head is spinning against Negan’s shoulder. “I can’t like you”, he whispered suddenly. The air around them immediately tensed up and Rick regretted letting his mouth run. 

“What makes you think I want to be liked by someone like you?” Negan murmurs, voice on edge. 

“I don’t think anything. I can’t lov- I can’t like you, I just can’t”, Rick stammers, biting his tongue for even talking right now. Negan places both his hands on Rick’s shoulders and pushes him away a bit, studying Rick’s face.

“Shit. You’re a goddamn mess, the hell happened to you?” But Rick couldn’t answer; he had lost his tongue somewhere deep down his throat and it refused to come back up. Negan’s eyes were burying into Rick’s and he wore mask of something Rick hadn’t seen before. Confusion mixed with concern, puncturing into Rick’s mind. He got antsy all of a sudden. Wanted… something. 

He’s scared. In this very moment before the other man, he is for once scared to talk back. To allow Negan to see what he feels. He doesn’t want the other man to climb around inside Rick’s head. He can’t even try to explain what is happening to him because he doesn’t know how to elaborate his words. Shrinking into himself, he flickers his gaze, trying to withhold a steady form but the worry spewing off of Negan is pushing him down. The bond is vibrating with mixed emotions; confusion, concern, fear, and the same old hate that’s always been there lurking. Rick swallows. 

“Kiss me.”

It comes out as a whisper and Rick doesn’t register what he said until Negan’s entire posture changed. The other man stares at him in pure confusion now, eyebrows shot up to his hairline. Rick does the same, but he doesn’t take the words back. He can’t. He won’t. 

He doesn’t want to.

Instead, he wets his lips to let Negan know that yes, he said that. 

He wants it. Needs it. 

“Kiss me”, he says again with a stronger tone. And Negan does, carefully as if he’s waiting to see if Rick was joking with him. His lips meet Rick’s softly, tryingly, and Rick feels himself melt into it. Negan puts a little more pressure into the kiss and Rick hears himself moan quietly. His whole face blushes deeply red and he feels Negan smirk against him, but he won’t allow the other man to look at him now. 

This is different than the first time they kissed because that was hate and hate only. This is making the bonding grow stronger. It feels fantastic, electrifying. Nerves pulsing in satisfying ways. Negan sneaks his hand around Rick’s head and pushes him forward even more to deepen the kiss. He slips his tongue into Rick’s mouth when Rick allows him to. 

_It’s okay_. 

Negan is breathing hard but tries to pretend he isn’t, when breaking contact. “Damn”, he murmurs, still with his eyes closed, and goes back to leaning his forehead against Rick’s. “You’re one confusing son of a bitch.” Rick feels himself laugh at that, but he is no control of his body. Negan smirks. “Come with me”, he says after a moment of catching his breath. “to the Sanctuary.”

Rick shakes his head sharply. He can’t do that, he can’t just leave Alexandria. Negan sighs.

“Look, I get it. You hate me. You killed some of my men, I killed some of yours, then you killed some of mine again and I did the same. To me, we’re even. But you still hate me. Got it, cap’n. But there is no way around this, we gotta just deal with the fact that some fucked up guy up in the clouds decided to make our souls connect, or whatever the shit you believe. I am _not_ going through the same shit another week.” 

Rick backed his head a little to look at Negan. “How did it affect you?” 

“I was depressed as fuck. Lost every little will to do shit. Even my cock was mopey.”

“Gross”, Rick grimaced.

“Right? It wasn’t me.” Negan barked out a laugh at Rick’s face. “What about you?” 

Rick chewed on his lip. “I was in pain. A lot of pain.” 

“Damn.” Negan studied Rick again and frowned. “But uh, you’re alright now?” There it was again, the worry. The concern that Rick never thought he’d seen on a man like him, especially not towards him. His eyebrows knit together upon it, searching in Negan’s eyes for a sign that the man was screwing with him. He didn’t find it.

“Yeah”, he sighed at last. 

“See, that’s what I mean. It’s not worth going through fucking hell because we’re being stubborn. We gotta deal with this shit until we got it under control.”

“I’m not going with you to the Sanctuary”, Rick decided. Negan rolled his eyes but there was a hint of amusement in them as well. Rick wasn’t sure he liked what he saw. 

“Then I’m staying here”, Negan said and let go off Rick’s body. Rick opened his mouth to protest but was stopped by Negan’s gloved hand pressed against it. His lips where formed into a ‘schh’. “It’s settled.” Then he walked away, laughing while he did it. 

Rick insides churned together in stress and the cold sweat started beating off of him again. _It’s okay_ , the bonding tried to calm him down. But he shook his head and regretted everything he’s ever done in his entire life. 

_It’s not._

_It’s not okay._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! This chapter was fighting me along with my personal life. 
> 
> Tell me if there's any major issues with this chap since I wrote it in less than two days.  
> Hope you like it x

Rick was worried. He followed Negan around Alexandria like a fight dog on a leash, compulsive thoughts of grabbing a hold of the bat and beat Negan into a bloody mess, is ticking in the back of his mind. But the tugging of his heart that pushed him into a direction he didn’t want to go, was threatening to push him back to square one of _clench, unclench, pain, pain, pain_ if he didn’t cooperate. So he let go of destructive thoughts. Didn’t mean he had to stop fantasizing about it though. He heard words coming out of Negan’s mouth as they walked further into the town from the graveyard, but he couldn’t make sense of them. His mind was drifting elsewhere, to a place he couldn’t control going to. Back to when there were issues but they were all solvable. They had met bad people along the way before but there had always been a plan B, a way to get out of it. He saw no light at the end of the tunnel now. All because of some stupid scribbles on his arm. 

People around Alexandria gave them unreadable looks as they passed through. Most looked angry, some others wore fearful expressions. Rick ducked his head in apology at every single one. He didn’t want this since it would only make the situation worse. People already had distrust in Negan so having him here, seemingly patrolling around with a stupid grin on his face, made them put distrust in Rick instead. He had already been coming off as a bad leader to some of them before this started, and a few had adopted that view along the ride to this day. He knew this looked bad on his resume. 

They reached the training ranch where he spotted Daryl and Michonne shoot disturbing daggers out of their glaring eyes at two Savior’s, one he recognized as the one of led the beating of Aaron. His chest tightened when they got closer, Negan stretched his arms out and waggled his way towards Rick’s two friends. Michonne shot a questionable look to him but Rick shook his head in a way to explain to her that he can’t explain now. He’s not sure he’ll ever be able to. 

“See you met my pals”, Negan grinned and bumped shoulders with a blonde, thin looking man with scars covering half his face. The man gave Negan a tight smile in return, but turned away to not meet his eyes. Rick frowned slightly but didn’t question it. He was busy with staring at the dark skinned Savior with disgust clear on his face. The other man didn’t pay much attention to him, which was wise considering his boss was right there, but Rick could feel his amusement radiate off of him. 

Negan walked around the area a little with his two men up in his heels. Rick stayed with Daryl and Michonne who were almost exploding with anticipation to find out what the hell was going on, and why Negan was staying. He had already been walking around in there as if he owned the place; people were getting sick and tired of it by now. How was he going to explain that they’ve had an non-consensual agreement that Negan would stay here? 

He only half glanced at Negan and his two men as they got closer to the shooting ranch. The blonde Savior picked up a gun that was left from the practice and rolled it around in his hand, eyebrows knit together in a frown Rick could see all the way from where he stood. He waved with it in the air at Negan, calling the strutting man over to show him the gun. Negan took it and held it and was silent for a moment before turning around to glare at Rick who met his eyes with a mimicked glare laced with confusion. 

“The hell is this?” he called to Rick, voice glum. Before Rick could answer, he continued. “You got a motherfucking _shooting ranch_ with _our_ fucking guns?” Rick went cold and he could sense Daryl and Michonne reacting in similar ways. Negan walked over, still with the gun in one hand and Lucille in the other. He got close with demeaning dominance towards Rick, waving the gun in his face. “What are you training for?” His voice is layered with cold danger, making Rick swallow thickly and flicker his gaze everywhere but Negan’s eyes. Negan put the tip of the gun on Rick’s upper lip, stroking the cold metal over his skin. 

“The walkers- the people here aren’t experienced with- we’re helping them-“ Rick stammers lowly and closes his lips to a thin line when Negan tries to fill his mouth with the weapon. Negan gleams with both fury and satisfaction, clearly getting off on Rick’s uncertainty. 

“So fucking what? Use knives. These fuckers are mine”, Negan explains in a slow husk. The gun wanders down his face to his throat, gracing his bobbing Adams apple, and continues further down his body. Rick stands perfectly still, still not meeting Negan’s gaze. He feels heat coming off of Negan, that’s matching with his own. Daryl and Michonne are silent beside them; they’ve learnt that messing with an uncontrollable force will only make the situation much worse. When Negan let the gun grace Rick’s crotch he hitches and damns himself on the inside for showing that he’s bothered. Negan chuckles lightly and places the gun underneath his buckled belt. “You don’t need our guns”, Negan murmurs and bumps his forehead against Rick’s, before he breaks their closeness. “Rob, you find out where the rest of our shit is and load the truck. Dwight, help him and then drive back to the Sanctuary, tell Simon I will be staying here for a while.” He grins when noticing Daryl’s and Michonne’s uneasiness. “Didn’t you get the memo? Me and Rick are on a honeymoon.” Then he grabs Rick by his shirt and pushes him forward. “You’re going to help my men load the car.” 

**

Rick looks glumly at the truck that drives away back to the Sanctuary with Dwight in it, who was sent off to tell Simon about the change of things. He fights the urge to get annoyed of a traitorous thought that’s been sneaking sweet nothings in his mind about how Negan’s been more cooperative lately. Obviously nothing new has settled between them and Negan is still his psychopath self. Perhaps it’s his own wishful thinking, considering how much harder it is for him to let the bond to its dirty deed when he hates Negan’s guts. And every time he’s let the bond take over for just a few seconds, it’s always end up with him doing something he doesn’t want to; kissing Negan. Even if it’s just happened twice by now, he can count at least ten other times when he’s felt the bond wanting it again. And it’s only getting more consist and demanding. 

This is not how he’d imagined a soulmate connection to turn out when he was a teenager. Not even a few weeks ago, before he realized he was bonded to the murderer of Glenn and Abe, did he imagine anything like this. All of him had of course wished for ease; a true connection that would give him stability and love for the rest of his days. Instead he got this; uncomfortable fear and panicky nightmares. It wasn’t easier when his biology worked against his will and forcibly pushed them together at the worst of times. Every time Negan is even near him, the bond wants him to bury himself into the man’s skin and rest. But he’s fighting against that, and will continue to do so until they got the first bond stages in control. He will not give in to the heat.

He turns his head slightly to lock eyes with the dark skinned man, Rob apparently, who is on his way into Alexandria again. Rob gives him a toothy grin that Rick shoots down by shoving him off with his shoulder as he passes by to see what trouble Negan is up to. 

“Come on, don’t be like that”, Rob shouts after him and Rick can feel the devilish amusement radiating off of him. “That faggot had it coming.” Rick stops abruptly and turns around to meet his stare. He’s talking about Aaron, who was beaten to a bloody pulp by Rob and the sweaty pig. 

“Do you talk like that around your boss too? Seeing as we’re both men, doesn’t that make him a faggot too?” Rick sneers in hopes of shutting the other man up but only earns a wider grin. 

“It’s just an expression, Rick.”

Rick turned again to get up in Rob’s personal space, staring him down with daggers shooting out his eyes. “Yeah? Well you can shove that expression so far up your ass that when it comes back out of your mouth you will taste the shit that you’re gagging on”, Rick hisses back. Rob’s expression fell immediately and he responded with punching Rick right in his face. 

He spluttered back with blood running down his nose, knowing he had it coming but wouldn’t back away now. He was sick of the Saviors, he was sick of Negan, he was sick of their soulmate connection, he was sick of this _life_. He mimicked the punch and sent Rob stumbling backwards in surprise, as if he hadn’t expected Rick to continue their dispute. It burned with hellfire in him and he attacked Rob while he was pulling himself together, bringing them both down to the ground. Rob roared at him and tried to get on top, but Rick had his knees locked on his sides and his hand holding onto the man’s collar while punching him bloody. Giving back for what he did to Aaron. Using him as a punching bag to spill off some anger. 

He was screaming profanities at the already swollen man underneath him, ignoring the way Rob’s eyes rolls back into his skull. Screaming just to scream; hoarse sounding and raw. He didn’t realize until it was too late that Rob had shouted to bring attention to them, and he felt Daryl pull him off of the almost fainted man, but Rick easily snaked his way away from Daryl’s grip to stomp Rob’s head down to the asphalt. 

“What the _shit_ is going on?” a familiar voice shouted at them. Rick shook of adrenaline and anger. His nose had already dried up but his knuckles were sore and bleeding. Rob coughed in pain as he hauled himself up with a crooked back, pressing a hand against his own ribs, and Rick was pulled backwards by his sleeve and was faced by Negan. “What the fuck are you doing?” he demanded to know while looking at both of them with burning eyes.

“The motherfucker just attacked me”, Rob hissed. Rick let out a dry laugh. 

“You beat the shit out of my friend and you expect me to let that go?” he spat blood at the ground near Rob’s feat, making the man come at him again in frustration. But Negan got in between, holding his hand warningly against Rob’s heavily breathing chest. Rob backed down, still snarling furiously at Rick, who was breathing just as heavily with Daryl’s hand gripped around his bicep. It wasn’t the whole truth he told, all of them realized that but no one pushed to have him continue. It was a sentence that was heated enough. Rob beat the shit out of Aaron and Rick couldn’t have him walk around thinking he owned the place, just like his _owner_ Negan who beat his friends to death, already believing Alexandria and the people in it was his. He wouldn’t _ever_ be able to let that go. 

Daryl was shaking of anger beside him, the grip around his bicep kept falter until he gripped tightly again. He knew what had happened to Aaron when the man came back to his conscious and spilled the story to his boyfriend and the rest. Daryl understood where Rick was coming from and so didn’t judge Rick for his, yet again, unprofessional leader behavior. But this was different. He wasn’t at all trying to prove himself worthy in front of Negan’s men. On the opposite, he didn’t give two shits of how the Savior’s saw him, and he was sick of them walking around the town thinking they could do whatever and get away with it. Eric was put on duty to look after Aaron, who got more and more antsy the longer he had to stay in his house. With many different fractures and most likely broken bones, he wasn’t at all fit for fight to do his usual deeds. They didn’t have someone who was professional enough as a doctor in Alexandria anymore. Tara had learned some from Denise when she was still alive, but it wasn’t safe. Negan had promised them help if they were in great need but Rick wouldn’t take that chance with Aaron. Not since it was Negan’s men that had caused the problem to begin with. 

Rick was itching to get his knuckles in Rob’s face again and he continued to breathe in sharp hitches. Negan turned to him to give him a look of dissatisfaction and something that looked like disappointment. Rick almost laughed at that but he kept his grounds, he continued to look past Negan and at Rob again, fantasizing about all the different ways he could ruin that smirk once and for all. It was dark thoughts he rarely thought, some that he usually was able to push down. But these kept building into something more gruesome than he had anticipated when he let his knuckles crash into soft flesh. It confused him slightly, to how dark his mind could become. Worse things had happened to them, if he was to rate events. But this is by far the worst his mind had spiraled down. He wanted to kill Rob. He wanted to smash his face to bits. 

Without even realizing it, his body had begun to try and twist itself out of Daryl’s grip again. But as he took one step forward, Negan was immediately right up in his business, muttering to Rick to calm the fuck down. Rick didn’t, his body acted on its own and Negan was forced to grab him by his collar and force stillness in Rick. 

Two clicks where heard behind them, first one and then the other slightly afterwards. Rick glanced to see Daryl holding a gun towards Negan’s head, he put two and two together and knew that Rob did the same to Daryl, despite his pain. Negan snarled. 

“Tell your dog to sit”, he hissed to Rick. “Or I will put him down.” Rick came back to reality at that and he glanced behind him at Daryl who had dark eyes and a slight tremor in his body. He gestured his hand at him to have him lower the gun. Daryl hesitated but still did as he was told. When glancing back to Rob, Rick saw that he did the same when Daryl put his gun back in his belt. “Thought I made it pretty damn clear that the guns would return back to the Sanctuary.”

“This ain’t yours”, Daryl spat. Negan hummed but let it go, then he let go off Rick’s collar to turn to his soldier. 

“You look like fucking shit”, Negan muttered in disgust, much to Rick’s confusion; it was something unsettling towards Rob in his voice that put Rick on edge, but he swatted it away in his mind since he wasn’t intrigued enough to ask him about it. Frankly, he didn’t care. Negan held a tight grip on Rob’s shirt and started walking into Alexandria with the man stumbling to keep up the pace. “Meet me by your house”, Negan murmured to Rick as he passed. Rick turned around to watch the men walk away, and then he moved closer to Daryl who looked down at the ground as if he was ashamed. 

“Were you going to do it?” Rick asked, he had to know. Daryl grimaced for a moment before shrugging his shoulders helplessly. Rick wouldn’t judge him if he had. 

“Dunno, probably not. I know the feel of losing… y’know, it goddamn hurts. You could handle it, but don’t wanna put you through it”, he murmured, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. Rick was lost in translation for a moment, looking begrudgingly at his friend for a long time, watching him twist and turn. Daryl’s eyebrows knit together and he struggled to get the name out. “Beth.” Rick remembered suddenly when Beth had been killed and Daryl had gone into shock. He had been dealing with the pain inwards, his body not allowing him to act out. Most soulmates become comatose when things like that happen, but Daryl handled it. He broke through. At least he seemed to; on the outside he looked like his normal self, a little tense around the edges and bitter expressions. Rick wouldn’t know what was going on inside his mind; was it like a mind field and he kept on exploding? 

Rick apologized for his stupidity. 

“Don’t mention it”, Daryl muttered, eyes darting. “I know pain, but that was… intense. Felt like all happiness would never come back to me. Sorta hasn’t.” he sighs and rubs his neck. “What are we gonna do ‘bout this?” Daryl asked before Rick could ask him more about the Beth situation. Rick understood he wanted to let it go, probably since it’s been a while since it happened and he’s already had a fair share of heart to heart moments with Rick and the rest of the crew. 

“There’s nothing we can do, for now, just… let it happen”, Rick said. “Tell Michonne I’ve got it under control.”

“But you don’t”, Daryl grimaced and Rick couldn’t help but smile.

“I will.” He gave Daryl a short pat on his bicep and hurried after Negan before the man changed his mind and came back to make his living hell hotter. 

**

He reached his house just in time for Negan to strut towards it. At first he was surprised that Negan knew about it, until he remembered that Carl had been forced to give Negan a grand tour in there. 

He was alone, Rob wasn’t with him. He kept on getting confused with Negan’s change of behavior but he didn’t ask about it. 

“This sure is a nice house”, Negan said, grinning at Rick with Lucille swung across his shoulder and his classic ‘dick first’ stance. “Definitely different from my place back at the Sanctuary, did Carl gossip about that?” He chuckled. “ _Boy_ am I going to get comfortable here.” It’s as if none of the previous events had even occurred. Perhaps Negan had forgiven him for punching the hell out of his soldier. 

“We could’ve made arrangements. Meeting twice a week, that’d been enough”, Rick muttered, changing his footing, glaring at the man. 

“ _Nope_ , it sure as hell damn wouldn’t, Ricky-boy. Any means necessary and this is it. The sky is blue, water is wet, life is fucking unfair. Get over it. Sure, your pride’s in shambles but this is _way_ better than being in all that nasty pain, right?” He went quite, waiting for an answer out of Rick. “ _Right_?” But Rick sent him a last glare before stomping into his house. Negan whistled behind him, sounding both impressed and annoyed. “Damn”, he muttered underneath his breath and followed Rick inside. “You know, for a guy that is having so much posttraumatic stress over two men I killed, you sure know how to tickle my fancy with that defiant look.”

“What are you going to do about it? Kill more of my men and make this whole soul bonding experience even rougher?” Rick hissed and went into the kitchen, close to the knives. 

“A little goddamn respect would be nice”, Negan smirked and followed; eyeing the drawer Rick fiddled his fingers against. 

“I will _never_ respect you.”

“Well, maybe that’s the problem-“

“What the _hell_ are you doing in here?” They both heard a voice interrupt Negan. Both men turned around to see Carl standing there with his eyebrows furrowed and body posture threatening. 

“Carl!” Negan exclaimed excitedly and got closer to the teen. “Isn’t it my _favorite_ serial killer? What a fucking treat!” Carl got away from Negan as soon as the man tried to lay his hand on his shoulder. He was snarling like a wolf in distress; cornered by a hunter. Negan’s eyes got visibly darker for a second and Rick bit down his teeth hard, but then they got back to their natural shade and he grinned. “I’m officially your step-dad.” Carl immediately clenched his fists so that his knuckles turned bright white. 

“Dad, what is he doing here?” he talked slowly through his gritting teeth, trying his best to pull himself together and not lose his control in front of the man. 

“Your daddy’s been in lots of distress lately, I’m here to rub the kinks out of his tense shoulders”, Negan answered instead of Rick who was in a loss of words. His son turned to Rick to complain but stopped when he eyed Rick’s nose. A frown emerged on his face and he battled his eyes between both Rick and Negan as if to figure out what happened on his own. Negan noticed and looked suddenly pleased about something. “Rick’s got a temper but don’t worry kid, we’re working on it.” He winked amusedly at Carl who snarled in disgust and stomped up the stairs to his room. “Seems like it runs in the family.” He chuckled to himself and got closer to Rick who tensed up but Negan only rolled his eyes at him. “Dinner? I’m fucking starving.”

 

Judith was re-introduced to Negan during dinner. She proudly showed off the skills she had, and cooed of joy when Negan applauded. Rick frowned every time. When the plates where somewhat clean, Rick lifted Judith out of her chair and set her down on the floor so she could crawl herself tired before bedtime. He walked out to the living room and sat down on the couch, breathing out heavily. Drenched in aftermaths from the fight and ongoing confusion, he felt his eyelid flutter heavily. Judith crawled on her knees and hands underneath Rick’s sprawled out legs. 

He heard Negan move in the kitchen, and he appreciated not being disturbed as he ceased the moment to rest before going into battle again. It had just been one day of Negan staying and he was already tired of it. So far had the reaction to him staying not been so bad. Sure, Daryl and Michonne had looked like the world had ended once again and Carl had not left his room, but other than that it was just the familiar glances from the people. Then again, Negan had never stayed the night in Alexandria. He didn’t know how the rest of the group would react when they realized that that’s what was going to happen. 

He had no game plan. The bond felt a little off. Although he was certain Gabriel knew what was happening to it, he could probably figure out some himself. Not knowing how long Negan had to stay at Alexandria for them to reach the honeymoon stage and roll them off in normal order, Rick knew it would take much longer than he felt comfortable with. It was unsafe enough to have Negan and only one Savior here. Even if he was beaten half to death, he was still a solder under Negan’s command. Would Dwight come back? Would more Saviors make their way here to back Negan up during this process? 

How were they supposed to reach honeymoon stage? He had his ideas and they made his heart flutter uncomfortably. 

Judith was tired so Rick scooped her up so she lay on his chest. She immediately intertwined her fingers in his hair and was giving him soothing pats and tugs before falling asleep. He hadn’t had time to make her some formula, but lately she’s been sleeping through the night without it. He just made sure to give her a steady breakfast in the morning after. 

Nighttime started to develop outside. The dark fell and people started to turn off their lights. Rick sat still on the couch with Judith sleeping heavily on him. She snored slightly and he smiled. But stopped as soon as he heard steps getting closer.

“Do you want me to lift you up bridal style and carry you to the bedroom?” Rick could hear Negan smirk devilishly, he turned his head slightly around to glare at the man.

“You’re not sleeping in my bed.”

“Aw come on, Rick. What better way to bond than during our most vulnerable moments? Are you a snorer?” 

“You’re sleeping on the couch.” Preferably in another house, but he didn’t say that. Rick decided to stand up; carefully, so that Judith wouldn’t stir awake. Negan frowned slightly but kept his grin plastered on. 

“I sure as hell am not.”

“ _That_ or the floor.” 

They stared at each other, challenging as best they could with a toddler between them. To Rick’s ongoing surprise, Negan gave up and moved past Rick; bumping his shoulder into him to mark his annoyance, but made sure not to wake Judith. 

“You know, fighting this is going to make the process slower”, Negan muttered when he was getting settled on the couch, closing his eyes. 

“So is giving in”, Rick responded. Negan huffed out a quiet laugh. 

“The hell it is. The bond _wants_ you to fucking give in. Just ride it out, cowboy.” 

Rick said nothing else, he was starting to build frustration in his core. He walked away to put Judith in her crib and then go to sleep on his own. It was going to be a rough night, he could already feel it. Worst part is that he feels himself believing in Negan more than his own judgement.

**Author's Note:**

> Please tell me if there's any grammar mistakes or something else that's bothering your reading. English is not my first language. Thanks for reading!


End file.
